The world is changing.  This is officially the very first blog post that I have typed on a Mac.  I know… crazy, isn’t it?  Why am I doing that, you ask?  No, I didn’t borrow Ricky’s computer.  No, I didn’t Hackintosh my netbook again.  I actually bought my very own, very first, Mac.  O. M. G.

Yep, I did it.  I bit the bullet.  I have considered getting a Mac for a while, and I knew it would be a MacBook (aka laptop).  Ricky, of course, praises the whole Mac experience.  I have used Macs a bit, at work when I was at IUPUI as well as when I have borrowed Ricky’s or “Hackintoshed” my own Dell netbook for a while.  But I never really saw the need to spend so much extra money on a laptop when I could get one for 1/4^th the price of what a MacBook would cost me.  But then I started hearing from people about how long Macs last, and that the extra cost was worth the extra investment.  And I decided they were right.  These reasons, along with a couple more, prompted me to make the decision to finally purchase my own.  I got an education discount on it because I’m a student at IU, and right now they are also offering a special where you can get a free iPod as well.  I didn’t need an iPod touch, but I thought a new iPod Nano would be nice to use for exercising, since lately I’ve been using my iPhone.  And it’s kind of inconvenient (plus scary, if you think about the possibility of dropping it!) to have to carry my iPhone with me when I go jogging.  So I snagged a purple (of course) 16GB iPod Nano along with my new MacBook.

After anxiously awaiting the shipping period of a week, my new MacBook Pro (along with the Nano) arrived today via FedEx.  I was VERY excited.  I’d been tracking them both on FedEx every day since I ordered them.  And now, here they are!  It’s really interesting, kind of a new feeling for me, or at least one that I haven’t felt in a very long time… using a computer that I don’t know everything about.  I have been using a PC with Windows since 1995, and computers in general for even longer than that, since I was about 12 years old or younger.  I mean, I know my way around a Mac well enough – but it is still definitely an unfamiliar operating system and NOT one that I know everything about.  It’s kind of cool, though… it’s rekindled my passion for learning about computers.  I’m very excited to learn my way around Mac OS X, and hopefully even try my hand at programming iPhone apps at some point.  I know, I know… those of you out there that have tried it say that the language sucks.  But I may give it a shot anyway, just to see for myself.

So here I am, blogging on my brand new (and very first) MacBook.  I hope we have a lasting and wonderful relationship!

So it’s kind of come to my attention that the human race is flawed.  I know, news flash, right?  There’s something somewhat specific that I’m talking about, though.  More and more I’ve really noticed that we as humans expect something out of life.  We expect it to work.  We expect it to be what we dream.  We expect to be happy and have everything work out for us.  And when it doesn’t, we get pissed.  I mean, seriously pissed.  It’s like we expect the world to cater to us, to revolve around us.  And I’m pretty sure that almost every human suffers from this problem.

I would have to say that I have probably noticed this problem is probably the most evident when in traffic.  Think about it.  Every day someone cuts you off, honks at you because you are turning too slow, wants you to let them in even though it’s their own fault they pulled into the wrong lane and are now holding up traffic… can you tell I have encountered people with this issue?  And that I suffer from it myself?  Do we think that we own the road?  We don’t, the government does and allows us to drive on it, allow with millions of other drivers.  And everyone thinks they know how to drive and thinks that they are the only one that really knows the right way to drive.  Do we even realize that everyone else has learned to drive somehow and probably thinks that they are doing it the right way as well?  Do we ever stop to consider that maybe we are the ones in the wrong, or that maybe there is more than one correct way to drive?  Or maybe we shouldn’t just think that since we pulled out first in the line of traffic that we shouldn’t let someone else in, that they don’t deserve it.  We come first… and we’re entitled to be upset if anyone dares get in our way.

And thus comes out the root of all of it.  Entitlement.  We were born in the U.S. – the land of the free and the brave, right?  So we automatically inherit the right to have a job, money, a house, a car, a significant other, and these days a computer, a cell phone, and a TV.  Well, sure – we do inherit that right.  But does that mean we are entitled to have these things, that because of who we are, they should just be ours?  Honestly, a lot of people seem to think so.  But guess what?  Not everyone has them.  Not even everyone in the United States has them.  And why is that?  Well, a lot of it has to do with where and how they happened to grow up.

I grew up in a small town, part of a lower middle-class family.  So I had everything I needed.  We struggled at times, sure, but we always had a place to live and food on the table.  But really, not too much more than that.  My parents bought me things when they could, and we took trips when we could, but there were definitely plenty of times when we were hurting for cash.  My dad, when he had a stroke several years ago and became unable to work, had to sell off his entire business just to be able to continue to support himself and my mom.  So growing up… well, we were kind of only really a few steps away from the poor house at times.  Well, I grew up, and got myself through college, and landed a good job and have really just moved forward since then.  I don’t struggle financially usually, I’m able to pay all my bills, and have done pretty decent for myself.  But what if I had wound up in a different situation?  What if I hadn’t been interested in and good at something that could get me a job making decent money?  What if I hadn’t been able to find a job?  What if I’d been in a situation that made it harder to be able to go to college?  I could’ve easily found myself there – plenty of people are.  Would I still feel like I deserve everything that I have?

One of the reasons I started volunteering at Outreach, Inc. was because I knew that I was just one circumstance away from being in the same position the kids they serve are.  What if I’d grown up differently, being around people that maybe were in a gang and that was the norm, or with parents that mistreated or neglected me, or with a mental disability that left me unable to understand what I really needed to do to survive?  What if I’d been born to a single mom that had no money?  Any of those things could’ve been very possible and would’ve put me into a very different situation.  Why should I think I’m any better than anyone else around me or entitled to anything more than they have?  Obviously they aren’t entitled to all that I have, or they would have it, right?  But if I could be in their situation – if that’s a possibility – then why do I have all of this and they don’t?  Maybe I’m not really entitled to anything at all.  Maybe I’m really no better than the guy that cut me off in traffic, or the beggar on the street downtown that I just pass up with looking at.

So really, what are we entitled to?  Anything?  Certainly there are people both born in the United States and other countries that are born into poverty with pretty much nothing to their name.  Is it by any act of our own that we weren’t born that way?  I’d say no, it’s really not.  So maybe we need to think about that some more.  Look around you at all that you have.  I know it’s cliché, saying we should be grateful for all we have, and that’s not what I’m getting at, really.  What I want you to examine is your attitude more than anything.  Sure, be grateful you have things and people in your life that you enjoy.  But I advise you to take a long hard look at how you behave, what you expect from the world and the people around you.  Do you expect them to cater to you?  Do you expect to get that good parking spot close to the door because you deserve it?  Take a look at how you’re living and the attitude you have when you walk into a restaurant or store somewhere, or even when you’re with your friends.  Do you expect things from them?  Do you expect the world – your servers, your fellow drivers, your friends – to cater to you just because you are you?  Maybe you shouldn’t.  Maybe, instead, you should sprinkle your attitude with a bit more humility and realize that you could’ve ended up someone completely different.  You could’ve ended up being that person next to you, with their problems and blessings instead of yours – so maybe you’d better be a bit more thoughtful about how you treat them.

This is a difficult blog post to write because it is very personal.  Sometimes I wonder if the posts I make aren’t too personal, but really, in a lot of ways, I am willing to share a lot about myself if someone asks.  I consider myself a pretty open person.  Sure, there are plenty of things that people don’t know about me, but the only real reason I don’t share those things is because of the person listening and knowing that they are different than me and feeling like they probably wouldn’t understand.  It’s not because I don’t want to be open with people.

I know I’ve posted on here about my difficulties sometimes since my dad died.  I mean, I don’t know that that’s where it starts, or that there even really is a starting point.  I could look at it as having started before that if I chose to – my grandparents both died a few years before my dad.  I remember once going to the Indy Star website and searching for my dad’s obituary only to realize that my grandpa’s came up as well (my dad was a “Jr”).  Then less than two years before my dad died, one of my best friends for the last ten years or so basically had a heart attack and wound up in the hospital in a coma.  He survived and made a full recovery, thankfully, but then about a month later my cousin had something similar happen and did not survive.  Then about six months after that, my uncle passed away as well.  And only a few weeks after my dad died last year, I lost another cousin to breast cancer.  ALL of these family members I would consider close.  I do have family that I rarely see, but these were all people that I grew up with and remember very well.  I could go into each one of my relationships with all of these people so you could see what I mean, but that’s not what this post is really about.

It’s not all just death that has affected me.  I tend to really feel things when stuff goes on with my friends, and there has been miscellaneous drama there that I won’t go fully into.  People I considered family went through things and went their separate ways.  Friends betrayed friends.  People that I considered friends and sought after for friendship denied it.  I guess all of these things have affected me more than I’m sometimes willing to admit.  I just really hate playing the victim.  I don’t want to say “oh, look what I’m going through” because I know there is always someone out there going through something worse.  So I mostly just take it all on myself, deal with my feelings on my own as they come.

So where has this left me?  Wow, what a loaded question.  And a tricky one to answer.  I’ve made some mistakes.  I’ve taken on some new things.  Grad school has been more difficult than expected at times.  All of this death, drama with friends, my own mistakes, and my own shortcomings have left me feeling very unworthy.  Worthless, pretty much.  Don’t get me wrong, I know deep down I’m not.  And sometimes I believe it.  But the slightest thing can set me off, leave me feeling like I’m nothing.  I can’t seem to battle it very well, and it has caused me off and on periods of depression for a while now.  I seem to just see all the things I do wrong – I’m not good enough at work, I’m not good enough at school, I’m not a good enough friend, I’m not a good enough girlfriend, my house isn’t clean enough, my body’s not skinny enough… I could go on for a while.

I saw a counselor for a few weeks, something offered from my school.  It helped a little having someone to talk to, but 1) it was awkward telling everything to someone that didn’t really know me, and 2) I always seemed to go in on the days I was feeling good and they wondered why I was even there, and 3) on the one day I wasn’t “on”, I didn’t want to talk and couldn’t explain why I felt down, so that felt awkward too.  I’m taking a break from it for now since my counselor finished her practicum, but I might go back at some point.  We’ll see.

I’m not really sure how this post ends, because I’m still at this part in the story.  I’m still struggling, still feeling not good enough pretty frequently.  I guess I just wanted to share it so my friends might have some idea how I’m feeling.  Deep down, I have plenty of confidence and I know who I am.  But I’m having a hard time keeping a hold on that lately.  So I guess I just write this to ask for your help.  Not your sympathy, really, just your help in remembering who I am.  If I seem like I have it all together, I don’t.  No one does.  We all need support and encouragement sometimes, and reminders of who we really are and what’s good about us.  That’s one thing I learned as a part of Beyond Your Best… that everyone really is some kind of gift to the world, and that a lot of us never see ourselves that way.  I knew it about myself at one point, but now I’m not really feeling it much anymore.  It may sound cheesy, but consider your actions and words, towards anyone… encouraging someone instead of ignoring them or tearing them down might just make a much bigger difference than you realize.