Happy Birthday to…

The other day I happened to run across my birthday card from my parents last year.  My parents… yep, signed “Mom & Dad”.  It almost made me cry then… I had to take a moment.  Well, today I have my stack of birthday cards from this year sitting on my dining room table.  And I picked up the one from my mom.  My mom… just signed “Love, Mom”.  It’s the weird little things like that that really make it sink in.  I mean, they’re both in my mom’s handwriting – I know she signed both of them whether or not they were signed “Mom” or “Mom & Dad”.  But it’s just the reality of it – my birthday cards are just from my mom now.  I wonder if signing them that way makes her cry too.  I wouldn’t blame her if it does.

I think I realized yesterday something I hadn’t quite admitted to myself yet.  I often have a big Halloween party every year, it’s something I look forward to.  But this year I’m not, and I keep attributing it to the fact that I have a class that meets pretty much all weekend next weekend, over Halloween.  That really is preventing me from not having a party, but the reality of it is… I’m not that into Halloween as much this year.  Because the Wednesday after Halloween, November 4, is my dad’s birthday.  And that’s been on my mind about as much as Halloween, honestly.  It’s so weird… in my family, we’ve always had birthdays every month from August to November, and then my parents’ anniversary is in December.  And with each birthday, it just seems weird.  My dad’s not here to celebrate.  And what do we do for his birthday?  Nothing?  He’s not here to celebrate it.  He didn’t make it to 68 years old.  But you can know that it won’t pass by unnoticed, I know.  I have a feeling it’s on my mom’s and brother’s minds every bit as much as it is mine.

I’m not sure how to end this.  I didn’t even know it was going to turn into a long blog post, or so personal.  But that’s how I’m feeling.  So if I’m not into Halloween so much this year, well… that’s why.  There’s someone’s birthday I keep thinking about instead.

I miss you, Dad.