This is a difficult blog post to write because it is very personal.  Sometimes I wonder if the posts I make aren’t too personal, but really, in a lot of ways, I am willing to share a lot about myself if someone asks.  I consider myself a pretty open person.  Sure, there are plenty of things that people don’t know about me, but the only real reason I don’t share those things is because of the person listening and knowing that they are different than me and feeling like they probably wouldn’t understand.  It’s not because I don’t want to be open with people.

I know I’ve posted on here about my difficulties sometimes since my dad died.  I mean, I don’t know that that’s where it starts, or that there even really is a starting point.  I could look at it as having started before that if I chose to – my grandparents both died a few years before my dad.  I remember once going to the Indy Star website and searching for my dad’s obituary only to realize that my grandpa’s came up as well (my dad was a “Jr”).  Then less than two years before my dad died, one of my best friends for the last ten years or so basically had a heart attack and wound up in the hospital in a coma.  He survived and made a full recovery, thankfully, but then about a month later my cousin had something similar happen and did not survive.  Then about six months after that, my uncle passed away as well.  And only a few weeks after my dad died last year, I lost another cousin to breast cancer.  ALL of these family members I would consider close.  I do have family that I rarely see, but these were all people that I grew up with and remember very well.  I could go into each one of my relationships with all of these people so you could see what I mean, but that’s not what this post is really about.

It’s not all just death that has affected me.  I tend to really feel things when stuff goes on with my friends, and there has been miscellaneous drama there that I won’t go fully into.  People I considered family went through things and went their separate ways.  Friends betrayed friends.  People that I considered friends and sought after for friendship denied it.  I guess all of these things have affected me more than I’m sometimes willing to admit.  I just really hate playing the victim.  I don’t want to say “oh, look what I’m going through” because I know there is always someone out there going through something worse.  So I mostly just take it all on myself, deal with my feelings on my own as they come.

So where has this left me?  Wow, what a loaded question.  And a tricky one to answer.  I’ve made some mistakes.  I’ve taken on some new things.  Grad school has been more difficult than expected at times.  All of this death, drama with friends, my own mistakes, and my own shortcomings have left me feeling very unworthy.  Worthless, pretty much.  Don’t get me wrong, I know deep down I’m not.  And sometimes I believe it.  But the slightest thing can set me off, leave me feeling like I’m nothing.  I can’t seem to battle it very well, and it has caused me off and on periods of depression for a while now.  I seem to just see all the things I do wrong – I’m not good enough at work, I’m not good enough at school, I’m not a good enough friend, I’m not a good enough girlfriend, my house isn’t clean enough, my body’s not skinny enough… I could go on for a while.

I saw a counselor for a few weeks, something offered from my school.  It helped a little having someone to talk to, but 1) it was awkward telling everything to someone that didn’t really know me, and 2) I always seemed to go in on the days I was feeling good and they wondered why I was even there, and 3) on the one day I wasn’t “on”, I didn’t want to talk and couldn’t explain why I felt down, so that felt awkward too.  I’m taking a break from it for now since my counselor finished her practicum, but I might go back at some point.  We’ll see.

I’m not really sure how this post ends, because I’m still at this part in the story.  I’m still struggling, still feeling not good enough pretty frequently.  I guess I just wanted to share it so my friends might have some idea how I’m feeling.  Deep down, I have plenty of confidence and I know who I am.  But I’m having a hard time keeping a hold on that lately.  So I guess I just write this to ask for your help.  Not your sympathy, really, just your help in remembering who I am.  If I seem like I have it all together, I don’t.  No one does.  We all need support and encouragement sometimes, and reminders of who we really are and what’s good about us.  That’s one thing I learned as a part of Beyond Your Best… that everyone really is some kind of gift to the world, and that a lot of us never see ourselves that way.  I knew it about myself at one point, but now I’m not really feeling it much anymore.  It may sound cheesy, but consider your actions and words, towards anyone… encouraging someone instead of ignoring them or tearing them down might just make a much bigger difference than you realize.

I want to write this post, but I don’t even know where to start.  If you read my blog regularly, you know that my dad passed away a little over a year ago, and that I’ve had a difficult time dealing with this.  Over the course of this last year, a lot has happened in my life.  Along with my dad’s passing, various situations happened among some of my friends.  Circles of friends fell apart.  I also started grad school, and that has been its own struggle as well.  Looking back over the last year, I have learned a lot.  I can look back now and examine some of my actions or non-actions during that time.  One thing I’ve noticed is that I lost virtually all of my “social energy” for quite a while.  Let me explain what I mean by that.

See, I used to be someone that brought people together.  One of my friends even dubbed me the “nucleus”, meaning that I was how friends knew each other.  Plenty of people met through me, because I’ve had a habit in the past of just inviting people from various parts of my life to come together, whether that means parties at my house or just inviting friends to hang out when other friends are getting together.  And after my dad died, that changed for me.  Between dealing with his death, struggles with grad school, and various drama with friends, I just didn’t have the energy to initiate connections with people like I could before.  Being the “nucleus” literally just drained me, and I would’ve had no energy left to sort through my own dealings, which was hard enough in and of itself.  So I stopped initiating much with people.  I couldn’t be the nucleus anymore, not for a while anyway.  Instead, I really needed people to be there for me.  Normally, I feel like I’m pretty capable of being the friend that people can come to and talk to as well as the one that hosts events and brings people together.  But not right now.  I found myself needing people to support me, at least emotionally.

I’ve started to notice that recently I have begun to reach out to people again.  I’m just starting to once again feel like myself, like I can reach out to people and be there for them and not just need them to be there for me.  I’ve noticed friendships developing, and I’m starting to feel more connected where I haven’t for a while.  It’s a good feeling.  It’s also caused me to look back over the last year at other friendships.  I’m not really one to judge friendships, and I call people “friend” pretty easily, because I make an effort to truly try to be friendly and be a friend to pretty much anyone, no matter who they are.  But I’ve just realized lately that I really do have very few people I consider a close friend, especially looking back over the last year and who has stuck around and who hasn’t… who has been a friend that only really was there when I initiated connection with them and who has continued to be there pretty much no matter what.  It’s been a discouraging, enlightening, and at the same encouraging revelation.  There are people that I don’t look at the same way anymore – people I used to call close friends, but wouldn’t anymore.  There are people that are truly gifts in my life – people that held me up, listened, and supported me through very rough times.  There are friends that I have grown closer to.   There are new friends that have become just what I needed at just the right time.

One new thing I have learned is that I will no longer chase after friendships.  I don’t mean that I don’t think my friendships are valuable – I do, very much so.  But if someone makes it clear that they really aren’t that interested in my friendship, I won’t chase them.  I have done it in the past, and it’s just not worth it.  If someone doesn’t want to be my friend, then I owe them nothing.  Some people might have said it in words and others in actions, but I know I have people that have been in my life that I just don’t feel the need to try to please anymore.  So I won’t.  My time and energy will go into the friends that I know I can truly call friend.

On a more positive note, I am very lucky to have some truly amazing people in my life.  And I think I try to do a decent job of making this clear to those people.  Thank you.  You know who you are.  Thanks for coming into my life to some of you – and to others, thanks for sticking around. <3

So being the time of year it is, I have noticed more and more people posting on Twitter or Facebook or their blogs what they are thankful for. While there are definitely things/people/etc that I am very thankful for, I think I’m also going to use this opportunity to just be totally honest about what things have been like for me lately. I’ve hinted at it to people, and even expressed it to some, but just for my own form of therapy, I thought I would explain it a bit.

Everyone knows that my dad passed away in March of this year, and if you read my blog or keep up with me regularly, you know a lot of the other things that have happened in my life this year. Shortly before my dad passed away, I had decided to go back to grad school at the IU Kelley School of Business to get my MBA. Following that decision came a long process that included studying for the GMAT, getting letters of recommendation, writing an essay, and taking prerequisite classes, among other things. I continued this process after my dad died because, well, it was a decision I made and something that I wanted for myself, so there was really no question about following through with it.

So I submitted everything, took the GMAT and got a good score, took my prereq, and got into the program. School started in August, and I have been on the journey since then. It has honestly been an up and down road the last few months. First of all, grad school is hard. Maybe not for everyone, but for me it is pretty hard at times. If the work isn’t hard, keeping up with all of the work is. I have struggled at times to easily understand the topics we have studied so far. I have had no real business training other than on the job from being in a professional IT (information technology) environment. Things like accounting (other than the short course I had in high school) and economics (other than what I remember from college stats classes) are pretty foreign to me. And a lot of the time, well, I’ve felt pretty dumb. And some days, this feeling carries over into work too, when I’m facing some new task that involves code that I’m unfamiliar with or functionality that I don’t know how to tackle.  This all leads to a lot of feelings of not being good enough, whether it is with work, school, relationships, or other areas of my life.

Now – combine those feelings with the fact that along with the death of my dad and the stress of work and school, I tend to be a stress eater. Sweets are my drug of choice a lot of times when it comes to looking for a pick-me-up. This has led to gaining a few extra pounds that I really don’t want. So of course that doesn’t help with those self-worth issues any.

Only a few close friends really know how much of a struggle this has been for me. And while advice is great, I honestly already know most of the advice. I know my self-worth, I really do. I know that I’m pretty, that I’m smart, that I will get through school and get my MBA, and that I will even lose those pounds if I really want to. But right now – it’s very hard to get that from my head to my heart. Struggling to feel something emotionally where you just don’t can be a very crippling thing, and a very difficult thing to understand, especially from the viewpoint of those that love and care about the person struggling with this issue. And every little small thing that somehow feeds (or even seems to feed) the lie can feel like a complete emotional attack.

So, here’s my admission. These self-worth issues combined with grief have made close, trusted friends suggest that seeking counseling might not be a bad idea, so I’ve decided to check it out via CAPS (Counseling and Psychological Services) at IUPUI. It’s a minimal fee service that IUPUI offers their students. And I have to admit that having someone to talk to about some of these things, a third party, can’t hurt.

So what does all of this have to do with Thanksgiving and being thankful? Well, as I’ve basically said many times now, it’s been a rough year. I don’t like admitting that, and I don’t like admitting that I need help. But I’m not sure what my year might have looked like without support from friends, for which I’m so grateful. Thank you, Ricky, gRegor, Seren, and Maurice, for being among the ones who know me best and still love me without fail. And thank you to that special volunteer at Outreach who let me know that I’m not alone, that I’m normal, and that grief can take years to overcome. I’m blessed to have so many great people in my life.

I’m also thankful that there have been a lot of wonderful things in my life this year as well. I’ve been able to achieve some pretty lofty goals and that fact makes me know that I can do anything I set my mind to. In addition to getting into grad school and working towards my MBA, I’ve also managed to travel a lot this year and visit some new places (including Las Vegas, the Grand Canyon, and San Juan del Sur, Nicaragua) as well as getting the next car I wanted, a 2005 Mini Cooper convertible.  Even though sometimes I can’t really feel it, I know I have accomplished a lot in the midst of a hard year.

I know I’m facing some difficult holidays coming up, but there are things to celebrate this year as well.  And I’ve realized that it’s okay to accept how I feel and to acknowledge that I’m not always capable of living up to expectations, especially my own.  But what I have done and what I am is still perfectly as it should be, even if there’s room for improvement (and there always is).  And there will always be those out there to love me and remind me of that, if I choose to let them.