This is a difficult blog post to write because it is very personal.  Sometimes I wonder if the posts I make aren’t too personal, but really, in a lot of ways, I am willing to share a lot about myself if someone asks.  I consider myself a pretty open person.  Sure, there are plenty of things that people don’t know about me, but the only real reason I don’t share those things is because of the person listening and knowing that they are different than me and feeling like they probably wouldn’t understand.  It’s not because I don’t want to be open with people.

I know I’ve posted on here about my difficulties sometimes since my dad died.  I mean, I don’t know that that’s where it starts, or that there even really is a starting point.  I could look at it as having started before that if I chose to – my grandparents both died a few years before my dad.  I remember once going to the Indy Star website and searching for my dad’s obituary only to realize that my grandpa’s came up as well (my dad was a “Jr”).  Then less than two years before my dad died, one of my best friends for the last ten years or so basically had a heart attack and wound up in the hospital in a coma.  He survived and made a full recovery, thankfully, but then about a month later my cousin had something similar happen and did not survive.  Then about six months after that, my uncle passed away as well.  And only a few weeks after my dad died last year, I lost another cousin to breast cancer.  ALL of these family members I would consider close.  I do have family that I rarely see, but these were all people that I grew up with and remember very well.  I could go into each one of my relationships with all of these people so you could see what I mean, but that’s not what this post is really about.

It’s not all just death that has affected me.  I tend to really feel things when stuff goes on with my friends, and there has been miscellaneous drama there that I won’t go fully into.  People I considered family went through things and went their separate ways.  Friends betrayed friends.  People that I considered friends and sought after for friendship denied it.  I guess all of these things have affected me more than I’m sometimes willing to admit.  I just really hate playing the victim.  I don’t want to say “oh, look what I’m going through” because I know there is always someone out there going through something worse.  So I mostly just take it all on myself, deal with my feelings on my own as they come.

So where has this left me?  Wow, what a loaded question.  And a tricky one to answer.  I’ve made some mistakes.  I’ve taken on some new things.  Grad school has been more difficult than expected at times.  All of this death, drama with friends, my own mistakes, and my own shortcomings have left me feeling very unworthy.  Worthless, pretty much.  Don’t get me wrong, I know deep down I’m not.  And sometimes I believe it.  But the slightest thing can set me off, leave me feeling like I’m nothing.  I can’t seem to battle it very well, and it has caused me off and on periods of depression for a while now.  I seem to just see all the things I do wrong – I’m not good enough at work, I’m not good enough at school, I’m not a good enough friend, I’m not a good enough girlfriend, my house isn’t clean enough, my body’s not skinny enough… I could go on for a while.

I saw a counselor for a few weeks, something offered from my school.  It helped a little having someone to talk to, but 1) it was awkward telling everything to someone that didn’t really know me, and 2) I always seemed to go in on the days I was feeling good and they wondered why I was even there, and 3) on the one day I wasn’t “on”, I didn’t want to talk and couldn’t explain why I felt down, so that felt awkward too.  I’m taking a break from it for now since my counselor finished her practicum, but I might go back at some point.  We’ll see.

I’m not really sure how this post ends, because I’m still at this part in the story.  I’m still struggling, still feeling not good enough pretty frequently.  I guess I just wanted to share it so my friends might have some idea how I’m feeling.  Deep down, I have plenty of confidence and I know who I am.  But I’m having a hard time keeping a hold on that lately.  So I guess I just write this to ask for your help.  Not your sympathy, really, just your help in remembering who I am.  If I seem like I have it all together, I don’t.  No one does.  We all need support and encouragement sometimes, and reminders of who we really are and what’s good about us.  That’s one thing I learned as a part of Beyond Your Best… that everyone really is some kind of gift to the world, and that a lot of us never see ourselves that way.  I knew it about myself at one point, but now I’m not really feeling it much anymore.  It may sound cheesy, but consider your actions and words, towards anyone… encouraging someone instead of ignoring them or tearing them down might just make a much bigger difference than you realize.

I’m so sick of hearing about “drama”. I put that in quotes because it’s not drama I’m sick of hearing about, it really is “drama”. What I mean by that is that it’s really not the drama that bothers me, it’s the people that talk about it with disdain. You know what I mean – not the people that talk about the drama itself, but the people that complain… “oh, there’s always so much drama” or “I just want to get away from the drama” or “I’m getting off the drama bus”. Well, guess what? LIFE is drama. PEOPLE are drama.

Sure, there are people that are bigger drama queens than others. There are people who make drama where there really probably shouldn’t be any. But if you really think the people around you are just full of needless drama, I’d encourage you to examine yourself. Because if there’s drama around you, it’s very likely that you are just denying your part in creating it.

There is nothing wrong with drama. Things happen in life. People are people, and people are very messy. We make mistakes. We love and fall in love. We hurt others. We lie, both to others and ourselves. We make bad choices. We are both passionate and apathetic (sometimes at the same time). All of the above tends to create what some throw in the collective pot they deem “drama”. And some – put that “drama” in a box, and then try their best to stay away from it. You can do it, maybe – if you’re a hermit.

It’s been my experience, that the people with the most drama – are usually the people that are most open about their lives and thoughts and feelings. They’re not the messiest – they’re just the ones that are the most open about their mess. You’ve seen Jerry Springer, right? And yes, I know that some of the situations on there are pretty extreme, but can we really cast too much judgment on those people when, if you were to strip away all the layers of secretiveness and dishonesty in our own lives, we’re really not all THAT different? (Maybe you know different people than I do, but if I got together everyone I know and everything they’ve told me about themselves, I guarantee you I could come up with at least a week’s worth of programming that would rival any daytime television show, be it talk show or soap opera.)

Look around your own life. Be honest with yourself. Do you really not have any of your own drama – any choices you’ve made that someone else might consider “drama”? I think if you don’t, you’re just kidding yourself. Denying or ignoring or pushing away drama or people that you think cause it is only denying yourself of true friendship. Because when drama happens, a true friend doesn’t run away. They may not give much energy to unnecessary drama, but they stand by you in spite of it. They realize that this is when the important friendships are formed – the ones that last lifetimes, through pain and sorrow, happy times, sad times, beginnings and ends. Through drama.

I’d encourage you to love people. When drama comes along, love them still. Stand right alongside of them no matter what happens. If you do, you’ll find yourself with solid friendships and people that will be there for you when you have your own drama. Because you know you will.