What?  You haven’t heard of gRegorLove?  How is that possible?  He is only the most awesome ladies man around!  You can read the story of gRegorLove right here, but you haven’t gotten the full effect until you get to know him.  I met gRegor sometime in 1999, I believe.  This was back when the chat program ICQ was pretty popular, and I did a search for people living in my zip code at the time.  Oddly enough, gRegor didn’t live in my zip code anymore, but had briefly at one point in time.  We got to chatting off and on for a while, and he eventually invited me to “Club Z” at the now-defunct Sonshine Inn.  So I went, on a Tuesday night, down to Fountain Square, dragging my best friend Seren along with me.  The first time I was there, I didn’t know anyone, and gRegor was so popular that he seemed to always have someone around him, but eventually we connected and introduced ourselves.  Thus the beginning of what I believe will be a lifelong friendship.

I eventually began attending Club Z more regularly, and was also invited to movie nights on Sundays at the “Mecca” (aka the Deckard’s house in Danville) as well as the Bible studies they were holding at the time.  Through gRegor, I made many new friends, including the infamous Deckards and the other two members of the Tridumbverate.  My friendship with him has been the beginning of many things, including five years of trips to Cornerstone, lots of nights at Sonshine Inn, promotion of quite a few local concerts, infinite inside jokes, and a slew of new friends made.

Earlier this year, I moved into a new apartment, my fourth move within the last six or so years.  And even though I only moved across the street within my apartment complex, it was still a huge hassle.  It made me realize that if you really want to find a way to see who your true friends are, just move and ask people to help you.  Nobody ever wants to, and it seems like most people will try to avoid it at all costs.  But selfless friends will always be the first in line to volunteer.  And though it’s not always willingly, gRegor has helped me every time I’ve moved.

If you know gRegor much at all, you know that friendship with him is not something you really ever want to give up.  He is one of the friendliest, kindest, most loving people I have ever met.  I’m not sure it’s possible to find a person that knows what being a friend really means better than him.  And in 2007, we all came close to losing such a great friend.  On a Sunday morning that May, I woke up to voice mail messages from a couple of friends.  gRegor had been watching a movie with them and all of a sudden he started having what they thought was a seizure.  It was actually a problem with his heart, and he had to be taken to the hospital.  Over the course of a few days, many people came to visit him in the hospital.  The prospect was grim, and his condition was very serious.  We weren’t sure if it would turn out okay.  But it did.  Thankfully, gRegor woke up, and eventually made a full recovery.  He now has to wear a pacemaker to protect that big heart of his.

I will never forget the day I got those phone messages and rushed to the hospital.  I knew I was one of few friends he had (at least locally, as a lot of our friends from shortly after the time I met him have now moved to other states) that really knew his parents, and I also probably had more friends in common with him than pretty much anyone, so I took on the responsibility of calling people who knew and loved him to let them know what had happened.  I made A LOT of phone calls that day.  I think pretty much everyone that knows gRegor realizes what a gift he is, and the world definitely wasn’t ready to give him up.  I know I won’t be anytime soon!  I’m very blessed to have had gRegor in my life for about 10 years now and to be able to call him one of my best friends and heroes, and I look forward to many more years of spending time with him.  Love you, gRegorLove! <3

I’ve known for a while that I’m an introvert.  I’ve taken the Myers-Briggs test more than once, and even though I love people and I appreciate spending time with my friends, it’s obvious that I am, without question, an introvert.  So what’s that mean?  A lot of people think of introverts as quiet, shy individuals that just keep to themselves.  Well, I’m not quite that.  And that’s not really what it means.  Someone with an introvert temperament gains energy from time spent alone.  There’s quite a bit more to it than that, I’m finding out, but that is the jist of it.

For one of my classes last fall, I had to take the Myers-Briggs again.  I came out as an INFP, which makes sense.  I’m pretty much a strong I (introvert) and F (feeling), with borderline N and P, apparently.  Before announcing who in our class came out as what temperament, our instructor gave us the breakdown of what everyone in the class was.  Each Myers-Briggs personality type works out to be a certain temperament.  Not surprisingly, there were a lot of Rationals in our group, and some Guardians.  But only one Idealist.  Yeah, guess who…

I didn’t really give a whole lot of thought to this, since I already knew I was an introvert.  And some people might not even think it matters a whole lot, but I honestly had never really thought about this before.  Until I realized I was dating a textbook extrovert.  Ricky, my boyfriend, is pretty much the polar opposite of me on this temperament scale.  He doesn’t understand my need to be home and spend time alone, or why “going out” wears me out sometimes.  To him, being with people is a total energy generator, not drainer.  One of the things I love about him is that I never have to guess what he’s thinking, because I always know.  He is quick to tell what is on his mind.  Of course he is, as an extrovert, he processes things outwardly.  He is stimulated by what goes on around him.  Being around a bunch of people gives him energy.  I, on the other hand, am the exact opposite.  I like people, don’t get me wrong, but eventually I reach my fill of them and need time to process thoughts on my own.  That’s the real difference between us.  Ricky, an extrovert, processes things by saying what’s on his mind.  He reacts to outer stimuli.  I, a typical introvert, react to and process everything on the inside.  Only if you’re an introvert can you truly know what this means.  I see so many of my friends that just have this need to hang out with people.  I on the other hand, can go days without doing that.  I have enough of my inner thoughts to keep me company.

I started reading this book, The Introvert Advantage, to gain a bit more insight into some of these things that confound me about how I process things.  It’s been kind of enlightening.  Like, for example, it talks about how introverts can easily be overstimulated by the external world, creating a feeling of “too much”.  I so know exactly what this means.  I turn down lunches with people just to be able to get away to spend an hour by myself.  Extroverts, on the other hand, gain energy by that external stimuli.  They need people, activities, places to go, to generate energy. Their focus is on the outside world.  To me, though, the thought of going out or being somewhere every night just exhausts me and makes me irritable.  I need my time to recharge.  Extroverts get lonely if they are not in contact with people.  Not me, not for quite a while anyway.  I can go for days in my own little “cave”.  In fact, doing so energizes me.  It takes me time to recharge and to process all the thoughts and goings-on inside my head.  Not getting the time or ability to do so can make me totally stressed out.

If you are an extrovert, wow, let me tell you… you will probably never completely understand what goes on inside our heads.  There are so many thoughts and stimuli and things to process that it makes me tired just thinking about it.  Oh yeah, that’s another thing… sleep recharges introverts.  Quiet time, down time… yeah, that’s what helps me.  Ricky is just the opposite.  He is always going, going, going.  That just makes me tired.

I wish I could explain everything in this book.  It’s honestly just a continuous learning experience.  The more I read, though, the more sense it makes.  I get worn out easily with all of the stimuli in my life.  On the days that I have an eight-hour day at work and then a three-hour class afterwards, I generally just want to go home and relax.  And I *hate* having weeks where I have a lot of stuff going on on weeknights.  It makes me just want to go home and curl up with a book.

So here’s the lesson I’ve learned: that what I am is okay.  I’m not weird because I don’t like to go out every night.  The fact that a lot of times I just like going to lunch by myself to read is perfectly fine.  And the fact that I have a lot going on inside my head that never really makes it out, that’s okay too.  These are all perfectly normal, and they’re really just me being me.

If you suspect that you might be an introvert, I highly advise you to read this book.  It’s been helpful, and even given me some ideas to best utilize my introvertedness.  And it might just give you some new insight into yourself.

Disclaimer: If you think this could possibly be at you, then you’re right, it is.

To anyone that has ever considered themselves close enough to call me friend…

I’m sorry I hurt you.  I know I did, and it was never really my intention.  Maybe it was something that you just let get to you that you shouldn’t have taken so seriously, or maybe it was just me being selfish and not really caring at the time if you were hurt.  At any rate, I’m sorry.

Did you know you’ve hurt me too?  Maybe you knew that, or maybe you didn’t.  But you have.  More than once.  Maybe you didn’t know you did, or maybe you were just being selfish too.  Or maybe my expectations were too high.  I’ve realized that holding on to my hurt is really hurting me more than you, though, so I forgive you.  It may require me forgiving again and again, so I will try my best to do that.

I wish I could be completely authentic with you.  You don’t and probably never will see all of me.  I have thoughts I don’t share, and things that I’ve done that I’m afraid will make you not want me.  I have insecurities and doubts that I think will make me look like a weaker or lesser person in your eyes.  I have failed you in ways that you don’t even realize.  I have not always spoken up and defended you when someone said something bad about you.  Sometimes it has been easier to remain silent or even to agree.  I’m not sure why that person’s opinion of me meant more than you do, but at the time it apparently did.

I wish you could see what I feel, but I can’t let you in all the way.  I can’t let you see how I beat myself up.  I can’t let you see the failure I think I am, for fear that you will agree and think that about me too, or that you will see how weak I am to doubt myself so much, that I’m not the strong person you had hoped.

Yes, I have judged you.  Yes, I have disagreed with you.  Yes, I have not always liked you.  And I definitely have not always liked the people you choose to spend some of your time with.  Sometimes I just don’t understand you.  And sometimes I have even expressed that to others without telling you.  I know I shouldn’t have feared confrontation with you, but I did.  I was afraid you would get mad, or that you wouldn’t understand.  So instead I just kept silent and let it get between us.

I–Wait, what did you say?  You have judged me too?  And talked about me to others instead of confronting me?  You’ve kept things hidden from me and let stuff come between us too?  You have doubts and fears and insecurities just like I do?  You’ve gotten mad when I haven’t met your expectations?  How could you do that?  What kind of friend are you?

Oh wait.  You’re imperfect.  And messy.  Just like me.  Oops.

So wait, what do I do?  What do you do?  Will we agree on everything someday?  Will we both drop all of our expectations and judgments and selfishness and never make any more mistakes?  Will we both always remember to not take everything so seriously and just let everything roll off our backs?

Or – will we both need to reread this letter again in the future?  I’m sorry I don’t have a “better” answer.  I know I will continue to make mistakes and have expectations.  But I can also continue to forgive, and to love, if that’s what you want.  If you want me, I want you, and I want to call you friend.

(a year later)

I’m sorry I hurt you…