Why I don't fit in

So last night, I was sitting at a meeting of The Dwelling Place, the church plant I'm a part of. (I would post a link, but we don't have a website yet.) While I was sitting there, I got to looking around the room at all the different people there. And last night there were a lot. I started thinking about how each person would fit into this church. Granted, it is already a church, but we're not quite as functional yet as we eventually plan to be. We're still sort of in the planning stages right now, talking about what we want to be like and about and such.

Anyway, as I was sitting there, I also started thinking about what my place is in this church. I know I'm supposed to be there, to be a part of it. But what exactly my place is, I'm not sure. I really struggle with group settings. They're hard for me. There are always people in a group setting that are outspoken and easily able to engage in conversation as a part of a group. I'm not that way. I'm one of the other people, the ones that find it easier in a group setting to just sit back and listen as the more outspoken ones speak. Now, granted, this does get easier for me as I get to know a group more. It becomes easier for me to speak out, and I do more often. Yet there are also still those times when I find it easier to listen, or just don't have much to say at the time.

Now, because of this (and other reasons I will get to in a minute), I often find myself feeling like I just don't quite fit in to groups of people. I have a hard time finding my place there. And sometimes I'm tempted to even compare myself to other members of the group, especially those that seem to me to be enough like me that I see them as already being in the only place where I see myself fitting in. I struggle with this. I don't like the fact that I compare myself to other people.

One thing about myself regarding group settings is that I have to be pulled out. I'm not by any means easy to get to know in a group. I guess really, no one is, but I'm especially hard when it comes to this. If you meet me in a group setting, and all of your interaction with me comes from a group setting, it's very likely that you'll end up not really getting to know me at all. If, however, you draw me out, start engaging me in one-on-one conversation, even within the group setting, you have a much greater chance of really getting to know me. But unless I'm feeling particularly social and outgoing at the time, it will probably take this effort on your part.

The bad part about that is that I also end up feeling like I could be a good contributor to a group, and I could find my place there, but not very many people really know me. Only those that have made the effort to do so really get to see what kind of contribution I can make. Everyone else must just see me as this quiet person or someone with not much to say. Pretty much a nobody, in a way. Certainly no one important. They may get hints of me from time to time, enough to formulate an opinion. But I'm sure it's not a very accurate one. Nothing like those that really know me one-on-one.

Another reason that I seem to struggle with feeling like I fit in to a group is the fact that, well, honestly... I have a lot of friends. I have a lot of people that I care about and want to spend time with. I have traveled in a lot of circles and have tried to maintain the friendships that I've made in each circle. I have friends from my current job, friends from my last job, friends from school, and friends from the several different churches that I've been to. And that doesn't even include the friends I have that aren't from any of those places. I've seen people that make their "circle of friends" just that... one circle. I have several circles, and they all overlap. And I have friends outside of those circles that are probably a part of their own circles somewhere, that I'm not really a part of. I think the people that have just that one circle of friends are probably the ones that have the easiest time feeling like they fit in somewhere. They are always with their one circle. Those are the people they hang out with. I'm not like that. I don't spend all of my time with one circle of friends. So... since I'm never with one group all the time, I end up sometimes feeling like I don't completely fit in with any group.

I'm not saying that this is a bad thing, that I should just become part of one group. Not by any means. I'm just saying it's something I struggle with feeling. And when I do, I really just need to remind myself why I feel this way. Because I branch out. I can't be completely contained inside any one group. Where do I fit? Into my LIFE, that's where.

I was chatting with a friend last night about some of this, and we got to talking about what we thought about groups. He was talking about how he doesn't really like the idea of groups, and I asked him why. Basically it's because of the exclusiveness and the danger of becoming a clique. I think that's true, and it is a very real danger for groups. But then we got to talking about community, and how it's a good thing. And community, essentially, is a group. But if it is what it should be, community should be a group that's always changing... growing, shrinking, evolving even. When that stops, when it ceases to do that, is when the group is in danger of not being effective as community.

It's interesting to think about, how we really can't get away from groups. And even more interesting to see how different people behave differently in groups and group settings. I mean, should I change? Should I be more outspoken in groups? Or is it ok that it requires some effort to get to know me, that without making that effort, I might just remain mostly a mystery to you? I think that sometimes, I do need to make more effort. Maybe this sounds vain, but I believe people could benefit from knowing me. But maybe those that deserve to know me are really only those that make the effort to. ;-)