Selfish tears
I've been trying to write this blog entry in my head for the past two days, but everything I keep coming up with ends up seeming to me to have no real purpose or point to it.
Sometimes I really don't understand myself. At least not how I deal with things. It doesn't make much sense to me. And I still end up surprising myself.
I'm surprised by what I feel for people. And then also, what I don't feel for people. Here's an example: I don't cry. Ok, well, I guess I do. But my tears are almost always very selfish, like when I don't get what I want. And I always cry alone, never in front of anyone. If you see me cry, you know that at that moment, I really have a lack of control, because I just don't cry in front of others.
I don't cry at movies, I don't cry at funerals, in general... I just don't cry for other people or in front of other people. See, selfish tears.
And I think I have somehow unintentionally separated myself from my family. Now, a lot of you are like family to me, but I'm talking my flesh and blood family. It seems weird to me that I've somehow done this, because I'm really big on family. Friends come and go, but no matter what you do, you can never completely disconnect that blood relationship. You'll always be related. I'm big on family, I know, but I'm rarely with any. I was reminded of my feelings about family when I went to visit my aunt, uncle, and cousins and their families in March in Phoenix. One night while there, we were pretty much all together, because my aunt, uncle, cousins, and their significant others were getting ready to go to some kind of function, and me and the friend I was traveling with were staying there with my cousin's kids (two teenagers). I remember getting this feeling of how nice it was to be there with all these people who were family. I don't see them often, and we're really not that close, but there's a bond there. We've been together through holidays, weddings, and funerals. We share relatives. They've known me since before I was born. And no matter how often I don't see them, that will never change. And I loved being there with all of them, seeing them be crazy and hectic (and my family is definitely crazy and hectic) while getting ready for this function. It was great.
Yet somehow I've managed to separate myself from my family. My immediate family in particular. And they're the ones I still see pretty often, and the ones I'm closest too. Closest, yet separated. Or maybe I'm unfeeling. Or maybe it's a coping mechanism (somehow that phrase has come up in my life more than once in the past week... it's kind of strange). My immediate family has gone through a lot more than most people, even those closest to me, even know about. I think I usually tend to stay calm in emergencies because I've been through so many of them I've gotten used to it. I've been there through my grandparents' car accident, my brother's seizures, my dad's strokes, and my mom's gall bladder attack. I've gotten used to spending time in hospitals. I've gotten used to calling 9-1-1 and seeing an ambulance pull up at my house. This no longer fazes me. And I'm used to seeing that ambulance pull away with someone I love inside of it. But when that happens... I feel nothing. No fear, no sadness, no concern, no tears. I handle it very calmly and matter-of-fact. And that bothers me.
There are times when I've wanted to cry so bad, but I couldn't. I wanted to feel like crying, and I wanted to be emotional, but I didn't, and I wasn't. I do remember one specific time, at my uncle's funeral... I was my usual unfeeling self. And then something happened. Something snapped inside of me. The tears flowed... hard. For once I had to be consoled, instead of being the consoler. But usually, I'm just the one with dry eyes.
Does this mean I'm strong? I don't feel strong. I feel like someone who just doesn't feel what they should when they should. I feel like someone who would like to care, but doesn't. I'm almost afraid of how I would react if something tragic happened to me, because I really don't know. My emotions and what I feel when is a complete nonsensical mystery to me.
This week surprised me. I felt myself be affected by something. And it wasn't something I would've expected to affect me as much as it did. Nothing directly happened to me or my immediate blood family. But people that I love are hurting. And I feel myself hurting with them. Hurting because I love them, and know that they hurt, and know that I'm powerless to take that hurt away. The "best" that I've felt about it is when I'm with them, hugging them and telling them that I love them. I find myself wishing that I could do this continuously, as if to somehow reduce the pain. But it's not possible.
I haven't cried this week. The tears just haven't come, as usual. But if they happen to, at least I know this time they won't be so selfish.
7 Comments:
I'm usually the same way. I'm actually really glad that I've been able to cry b/c I usually can't. So I feel cold and hard and unfeeling, just like you were saying.
Thanks for calling me last night. It meant a lot.
Sheryl,
good stuff. Well said.
yes, I don't cry very good either or at the proper times, however this week they have come too many times and at all the inappropriate times and not when I want them to..... is does help when you hug me, more than you know, more than I can tell you, words can't describe it, but it does reduce the pain.
Sounds like what it feels like to be a guy... or maybe it's not that--maybe it's just me.
I have a thoery about emotions and lack thereof. I used to be the "sensitive" one. I was always the one crying and everything wounded me...and then it just stopped. I don't know why for sure, but I think it's a coping mechanism...there's only so much you can hurt for things around you before you just build a little wall and keep your emotions safely on the other side. I'm trying to figure out now how to tear that wall down...even just a little...to feel something
About the eliptical- I usually run on a treadmill, but yes, the eliptical hurts my knees, too..so does the bike and anything else that involves bending. They're always popping and cracking...it's really icky. I sound like rice crispies. Anyway, my philosophy is that it's better to get it checked out before you get injured and need surgery or something...maybe see a doctor? If you want I'll tell you what exercises my physical therapist tells me to do and you can see if those help you...
I can identify a bit with that. Over the years it seems I feel less and less and I've found myself wishing I could cry sometimes, but not able to.
Frankly, Sheryl, I think that sometimes we need someone to not be crying. I always get frustrated with myself when I fall into tears (I'm actually horribly emotional) because I can tell that the situation really really needs someone to be not crying... someone to wipe them away. If we're all crying there's no one to remind us to breathe steady, that things will eventually be okay, that we're loved, and that there is some kind of stability in the world. You may not feel strong, and you may not BE strong, but someone has to remind us what strong looks like, at the very least... so we can know that there's strong somewhere... and that it's near to us.
If you need to cry ever, feel free to. But please, feel free to not cry as well, and do not feel bad about your lack of tears. Crying for self is fine... we need to mourn when we're sad. But the fact that you don't cry as much for other people as you might see some of the rest of us doing, might be a good thing after all. Perhaps it is a gift that God has given you... so that there can be some kind of stability somewhere, when the whole world's gone crazy.
And, this is just a hunch, but I doubt they need your tears to feel your love. It's pretty obvious. ;)
~Crystal
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