Mastering self-confidence (and how I'm not!)

I have a lot of thoughts running through my head today, so we'll see if I can coagulate (where do these words come from? I don't use them in everyday conversation, they just seem to pop up when I'm writing!) them into a coherent blog post.

It always continues to amaze me that no matter how many times we hear good things about ourselves, the things that really stick with us are the bad things that we hear about ourselves. A friend told me the other day that I need to be more self-confident. Knowing my past, he remarked, "You still see yourself as the little fat girl, even though you're really not. You need to have a higher opinion of yourself. Stop caring what everyone else thinks. Guys take notice of girls that are confident in who they are."

I think I was still in the midst of processing this when a couple of days later I discovered what another guy friend of mine thought of how I look. It had a pretty negative effect on the prior "self-confidence" conversation. In fact, it basically dashed the intended effect of that conversation. How am I supposed to have self-confidence when I find out that this is what people think of me? Yes, granted, it's one person's opinion. But unfortunately, those negative opinions seem to stick way more than the positive ones.

We're such shallow individuals. Why does a few extra pounds matter so much? It matters so much that we spend all this extra time, energy, and money trying to make ourselves fit into society's ideal shape, when in reality - maybe we're just not meant to be that shape. And it's stupid that sometimes we just can't see how beautiful people really are because we're so hung up on society's ideal. Where does individual beauty fit into that picture? Honestly, I think it'd be pretty boring if all girls looked like Barbie dolls. We'd have nothing to appreciate about our outer beauty if we all looked the same. Not to mention that God's way too creative to make us like that anyway.

As far as having self-confidence goes, I think my problem comes with balancing that with humility. I don't know if I want to seem like someone who thinks she's "all that". But maybe that's not such a bad thing. I mean, it's good to admire God's creation, right? I think the balance I'm looking for comes when you think about yourself versus others. When you're thinking so much of yourself that you think you're better than others, then there's a problem. But if you think highly of yourself and also see the beauty in those around you, it can be a really good thing.

Though this might be on my mind a lot sometimes, and I've seen plenty of other blogs, comments, etc about it, it's not something I really talk or blog about often. And no, this doesn't mean that I'm going to stop going to the gym or trying to eat better. I can use the excuse that I'm doing it because it's the healthy thing to do, but deep down I know that's only a small part of it. I'm really doing it for myself--for the hope that someday, somehow, I'll be able to stop seeing that "little fat girl" every time I look in the mirror.