Updates

Well, I haven't really had anything on my mind that I deemed worthy of posting about lately, but I figured I could at least give an update on my life for those that are interested. To sum it up, it's hectic as always.

Work
Work is going pretty well. As far as my status here is concerned, all I really know at this point is that I will be an intern through the end of the year. What happens after that is not certain yet. My boss wants to hire me as a full-time employee, but we're not sure if that will get approved or not. Should find out some time in the next few months.

It's been a bit hectic here lately. The project that I've been working on all summer is almost finished (at least as finished as Phase 1 is going to get right now) and we're pushing it out today to the group of people who will be using it. They will begin testing it tomorrow. Should be interesting, getting feedback from the users on a project that I've poured the last few months of my life into. It's kind of exciting, though.

School
The fall semester started last Wednesday. I am taking two classes, XML and First Aid/Emergency Response. The XML class is the last class I need for my degree. It's an online class, and for me is pretty much just another programming class, of which I've had dozens. So I don't anticipate it being a problem.

The First Aid class meets on campus on Saturday mornings. Odd how both my first and last semesters at IUPUI end up being the only semesters where I a) was a part-time student and b) took a Saturday morning class. Interesting. Anyway, after completing this class, I'll be certified both in First Aid and CPR.

Something kind of funny about that class... I'm like the oddball. Everyone else is like a freshman or sophomore and a nursing or education major. Then there's me--the Computer Technology major that is in her last semester. Heh. Also, there are only two guys in the class. Oddly enough, I ended up with one of them as my lab partner. And no, it was not intentional.

Everything Else
Life is good. It feels a little strange, though. I mean, I guess I really have yet to settle into my life, honestly. Still being in college means that life kind of changes at least once every few months. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't feel like life hasn't begun yet or anything like that. I'm definitely enjoying my life where it's at. But sometimes it throws me for a loop. I guess it does that even to the people that I would consider more "settled in", though. And right now, I feel like I'm caught in a really big loop. One that even has loops inside the loop. Yeah, that's some rollercoaster. And even though I like rollercoasters... I'm getting kind of dizzy.

(Disclaimer: I know that last section was kind of ambiguous. And I, personally, hate ambiguous posts. So I'm not sure why I posted it. I could've been like "life is great, everything's normal". But I felt like being a little more real, even though I don't really want to go into more detail. So just deal with it. And have a nice day!) :-)

Still a student

Well, as close as I am to graduating and as much as it felt like I was barely a student anymore... today came the indicator that for a few more months, I am still very much a student. Albeit, not a full-time one.

Finding out that other students had already received their financial aid refunds from IUPUI while mine was still stuck in "anticipated aid" status, I made a phone call this morning to the financial aid office. I found out that my financial aid money was on hold because it was calculated for full-time enrollment, and I'm only enrolled in one class (because I only need one more in order to graduate). However, apparently you must be enrolled in at least six credit hours to qualify for financial aid of any kind. So... since I need financial aid money in order to not only pay for my last class, but also to help me survive for the next few months, this brought me to the realization that I must add another class to my fall schedule. Yay. (Can't you just SMELL the sarcasm?)

One more class. Any class, as long as it's three credit hours. So I began to dig into the fall course offerings. I learned several things:

- I'm sick of online classes.
- Herron (art) classes take longer than others, for some unknown reason. (Like why the heck is a three credit hour class 2 1/2 hours twice a week??)
- Not enough classes are offered on Saturday morning.
- All the really fun classes are only one credit hour.

So here's what I came up with: Saturday mornings, 9:00am-11:50am, "First Aid & Emergency Care". I think it will be an interesting and useful class to take, and I'm not really all that upset that I have to take one more class. It's really just a mild annoyance more than anything else. The class is on campus, however, and just means that I will have to pay $62 for a parking pass for another semester as well as buying the book for this class.

Yup. Reminder that I am yet still entangled in the woes of college life...

Girls just want to have fun...

I had a pretty good weekend. And I think that the best part of it was spending time with the girls. You see, most of my time is currently spent around a lot of guys. It's mostly guys at my work, which would be the people I'm around the most, probably. And I have a lot of guy friends as well. Very seldom do I get a night with just the girls. But Friday night (and Saturday night as well) I had that.

Friday night, Shannon, one of my house church leaders, decided to have a slumber party. (And, judging from the reaction that I've gotten from any guy that I've mentioned this to... all of the guys reading this right now are going "ooh... slumber party...") Three of the girls that were there (including Shannon) have babies, but most of the babies were given to their fathers to take care of for the night. (The fathers were at someone else's house having their own guys night. Only guys night with babies... heh.) So we ordered pizza, ate junk food, gave ourselves pedicures, and talked about girl stuff (including, but not limited to, boys). The married women, wanting to live vicariously through us single folk, I suppose, were full of questions concerning our potential love lives. (I say "potential" because at this point, none of us single folk really have love lives.) Anyway...

I think this night was just what I needed. It was relaxing for me. Relaxing emotionally, even. It was reassuring to see that I'm not the only one that thinks the way I do. I beat myself up so much for the way that I feel and think sometimes. I wish I was more patient, or not as overanalytical, or less emotional, or less insecure, or more confident, or that I didn't have as much of a desire for a relationship. I just get so frustrated sometimes that I'm like all of that. But being there on Friday night and hearing the discussion... I realized that I'm normal. And it's ok that I feel and think those things. I'm a girl. We're ALL like that. Guys may get annoyed by it sometimes, but hopefully they love us in spite of that. And maybe we shouldn't just let all of our emotions hang out, but it is ok to feel them. We're not crazy because we do. But sometimes it becomes very easy to feel that way.

Overall, what I guess I really liked about this Friday night specifically was that it kinda felt like a celebration of being a girl. I don't do that enough... celebrate who I am. Heck, half the time I'm not even sure I'm all that happy with who I am. And I don't think I'm alone... I don't think I'd be wrong in saying that most girls (myself included) could use a lot more celebration of who we are. We sure need something to counteract all the pressure we put on ourselves, and all the beating up of ourselves that we do. Over things that a lot of times are just part of being a girl, and nothing to feel crazy over. But yet we do.

I dunno... I guess I just think of the alternative. I mean, I sure as hell wouldn't want to be a guy... you know? ;-) (And guys... don't even think about being offended at that. You know you wouldn't want me to be a guy either... heh.)

"I have people skills!"

So since the summer semester is now over, I'm required to turn in a work report at school about my internship in order to get credit for it. In doing that, one thing they want in the report is information about the department that I work in--PMO (Program Management Office). So I've been doing a little browsing of our company intranet to find more information about PMO. Here's one thing I came across:

"One of our primary goals is to serve as a steward of the processes that are used to manage how Business Customer requests are received, prioritized and satisfied by Application Development."

Hmm... how oddly similar does that sound to this:

"Well-well look. I already told you: I deal with the god damn customers so the engineers don't have to. I have people skills; I am good at dealing with people. Can't you understand that? What the hell is wrong with you people?"

So you think if they hire some Bobs to come in and evaluate us, I should just act as if I don't care and I might get a promotion? At least my boss's last name isn't Lumbergh. "Yeah... hi..."

I'm S-M-R-T... smart.

Ok, so having finished my classes for the summer, and now being one class away from graduation, please excuse me, because I'm going to brag a bit. You see, I've always been pretty competitive when it comes to academics. I've even, over the course of my academic career (both high school and college), come across people that like to compete directly with me, like as far as who can get the better grade, etc. I always end up having fun with this and having respect for them, and we become good friends. Plus it's an excuse to push myself a little bit harder. Sometimes I need that, because honestly... school has a tendency to be relatively easy to me. Not always, but a lot of the time. (See, told you I was going to brag.)

Growing up, I was always the smart one. That's just who I was. I was bragged on by my parents because I could read pretty well at a young age. I had to use my mom's library card to check out books because I had a kid's card and could only check out 4 at a time. Using my mom's I checked out 10 and was ready to go back for more in a few days. In junior high, I was asked if I wanted to basically skip 8th grade because I had done enough work in 7th grade to count for both years. In high school, I was tutoring other students, and one nickname I earned was "The Brain". The teachers always liked me. I was such a nerd (but I'm ok with that). Because of starting school a bit earlier anyway, and skipping the one grade, I ended up graduating at 16.

I've actually been programming computers since I was probably around 10. My mom bought me a "Pre-Computer 1000" which had a one-line screen that you could use to play games and stuff, but also to program in BASIC (really simple computer language). My first "real" computer came when I was 12--an IBM PCjr, which I taught myself everything I possibly could about and even started diving into the books that I got with it. So it really wasn't that hard for me to pick a career, like it is for some. I liked it and was good at it.

I was working at a bank while attending the first college I went to, PCI (Professional Careers Institute). At the time, the bank had a really good tuition reimbursement program. For A's, you got 100% of your tuition back. For B's, it was 90%, I think, and C's, 80%. Something like that. So I set out to get all A's, and succeeded.

IUPUI hasn't been quite as easy. But I think I've done pretty well. My grades for this summer: an A and a B (one of six that I've received at IUPUI as a final grade). My academic career there includes getting my associate degree "with distinction" as well as making the dean's list for the semester that I took both calculus and statistics (and nearly wound up brain dead after taking the finals for both of them the same day). If I get an A in my fall class, I will graduate with a 3.8 GPA.

So yes... I'm bragging a bit. I'm one class away from graduating from college and getting my bachelor of science degree in computer and information technology. So I'm looking back over my academic career. And I'm kind of proud of my accomplishments. While not right now, I have said that one day I may very well go back to school for my masters. Why not? School's something I'm good at. But honestly, I really don't attribute all of this to my own brainpower. Yes, I did work hard (sometimes) to get good grades. But really... this is just who God made me. It's apparently who he wanted me to be. And that I can take no credit for. But I'm happy with it. :-)

Soul Winning

Maurice had a blog post about this not too long ago, and since he's so much more articulate than I am, I didn't see a need to revisit it really. But it came back to mind from a blog entry that I read today, so I decided I'd like to voice my thoughts after all.

I hate the term "soul winning". I grew up in church, and I can remember when I was younger feeling like I wasn't as good of a Christian because I hadn't "gotten anyone saved". And because I wasn't "bold" enough to tell everyone I met about the Romans Road and how Jesus died on the cross for their sins. I felt guilty because I didn't think I did this enough. I wasn't enough of a "soul winner".

Where exactly in the Bible do Christians get this soul winning idea from, anyway? Jesus didn't say "go out and win souls", at least not to my knowledge. If you know that he did, please, enlighten me. I'd like to know about it. Since when are we supposed to be in it for the souls? And why? Another notch in our belt? Last I heard, Jesus was all about loving people, not "winning souls".

I don't know... to me, there's just something wrong about always wanting to turn the conversation around to Jesus. I mean, well, if he comes up naturally, that's one thing. And well, he's a pretty big part of my life, so if you're around me enough, he's likely to come up. But I'm not always going to try to get some bit about Christianity or the Bible into my conversations just to make sure I'm getting in my "witnessing" for the day.

Here's a favorite quote of mine that I think states this pretty darn well:

It doesn't matter whether you're selling Jesus or Buddha or civil rights or 'How to Make Money in Real Estate With No Money Down.' That doesn't make you a human being; it makes you a marketing rep. If you want to talk to somebody honestly, as a human being, ask him about his kids. Find out what his dreams are - just to find out, for no other reason. Because as soon as you lay your hands on a conversation to steer it, it's not a conversation anymore; it's a pitch. And you're not a human being; you're a marketing rep.

(From the movie Big Kahuna)

I no longer feel guilty about not "getting anyone saved". Maybe part of that is because I've never saved anyone. And I won't ever save anyone. I don't do the saving anyway. Maybe another part of it is because I try to do what Jesus said was more important... loving your neighbor as yourself. And I don't do that by trying to "save" them. I do it by being their friend. No agenda. No concern about "soul winning". Just pure, uncheapened friendship, just because. At least that's always my goal.

As far as the Biblical command to "go ye into all the world and preach the gospel"... well, I like the quote from St. Francis of Assisi:

Preach the Gospel always, and if necessary, use words.

Why I don't fit in

So last night, I was sitting at a meeting of The Dwelling Place, the church plant I'm a part of. (I would post a link, but we don't have a website yet.) While I was sitting there, I got to looking around the room at all the different people there. And last night there were a lot. I started thinking about how each person would fit into this church. Granted, it is already a church, but we're not quite as functional yet as we eventually plan to be. We're still sort of in the planning stages right now, talking about what we want to be like and about and such.

Anyway, as I was sitting there, I also started thinking about what my place is in this church. I know I'm supposed to be there, to be a part of it. But what exactly my place is, I'm not sure. I really struggle with group settings. They're hard for me. There are always people in a group setting that are outspoken and easily able to engage in conversation as a part of a group. I'm not that way. I'm one of the other people, the ones that find it easier in a group setting to just sit back and listen as the more outspoken ones speak. Now, granted, this does get easier for me as I get to know a group more. It becomes easier for me to speak out, and I do more often. Yet there are also still those times when I find it easier to listen, or just don't have much to say at the time.

Now, because of this (and other reasons I will get to in a minute), I often find myself feeling like I just don't quite fit in to groups of people. I have a hard time finding my place there. And sometimes I'm tempted to even compare myself to other members of the group, especially those that seem to me to be enough like me that I see them as already being in the only place where I see myself fitting in. I struggle with this. I don't like the fact that I compare myself to other people.

One thing about myself regarding group settings is that I have to be pulled out. I'm not by any means easy to get to know in a group. I guess really, no one is, but I'm especially hard when it comes to this. If you meet me in a group setting, and all of your interaction with me comes from a group setting, it's very likely that you'll end up not really getting to know me at all. If, however, you draw me out, start engaging me in one-on-one conversation, even within the group setting, you have a much greater chance of really getting to know me. But unless I'm feeling particularly social and outgoing at the time, it will probably take this effort on your part.

The bad part about that is that I also end up feeling like I could be a good contributor to a group, and I could find my place there, but not very many people really know me. Only those that have made the effort to do so really get to see what kind of contribution I can make. Everyone else must just see me as this quiet person or someone with not much to say. Pretty much a nobody, in a way. Certainly no one important. They may get hints of me from time to time, enough to formulate an opinion. But I'm sure it's not a very accurate one. Nothing like those that really know me one-on-one.

Another reason that I seem to struggle with feeling like I fit in to a group is the fact that, well, honestly... I have a lot of friends. I have a lot of people that I care about and want to spend time with. I have traveled in a lot of circles and have tried to maintain the friendships that I've made in each circle. I have friends from my current job, friends from my last job, friends from school, and friends from the several different churches that I've been to. And that doesn't even include the friends I have that aren't from any of those places. I've seen people that make their "circle of friends" just that... one circle. I have several circles, and they all overlap. And I have friends outside of those circles that are probably a part of their own circles somewhere, that I'm not really a part of. I think the people that have just that one circle of friends are probably the ones that have the easiest time feeling like they fit in somewhere. They are always with their one circle. Those are the people they hang out with. I'm not like that. I don't spend all of my time with one circle of friends. So... since I'm never with one group all the time, I end up sometimes feeling like I don't completely fit in with any group.

I'm not saying that this is a bad thing, that I should just become part of one group. Not by any means. I'm just saying it's something I struggle with feeling. And when I do, I really just need to remind myself why I feel this way. Because I branch out. I can't be completely contained inside any one group. Where do I fit? Into my LIFE, that's where.

I was chatting with a friend last night about some of this, and we got to talking about what we thought about groups. He was talking about how he doesn't really like the idea of groups, and I asked him why. Basically it's because of the exclusiveness and the danger of becoming a clique. I think that's true, and it is a very real danger for groups. But then we got to talking about community, and how it's a good thing. And community, essentially, is a group. But if it is what it should be, community should be a group that's always changing... growing, shrinking, evolving even. When that stops, when it ceases to do that, is when the group is in danger of not being effective as community.

It's interesting to think about, how we really can't get away from groups. And even more interesting to see how different people behave differently in groups and group settings. I mean, should I change? Should I be more outspoken in groups? Or is it ok that it requires some effort to get to know me, that without making that effort, I might just remain mostly a mystery to you? I think that sometimes, I do need to make more effort. Maybe this sounds vain, but I believe people could benefit from knowing me. But maybe those that deserve to know me are really only those that make the effort to. ;-)