The girl that unlocks the car door

Someone pointed something out to me about myself today. I've never seen the movie "A Bronx Tale", but I was referred to this scene in the movie:

"Alright, listen to me. You pull up right where she lives, right? Before you get outta the car, you lock both doors. Then, get outta the car, you walk over to her. You bring her over to the car. Dig out the key, put it in the lock and open the door for her. Then you let her get in. Then you close the door. Then you walk around the back of the car and look through the rear window. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in: dump her."

"Just like that?"

"Listen to me, kid. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in, that means she's a selfish broad and all you're seeing is the tip of the iceberg. You dump her and you dump her fast."

The person that told me about this scene in the movie then pointed out to me that I'm not one of those girls that unlocks the door. (And no, I didn't feel this was rude, nor did it offend me. Some people can just be really honest without it being offensive, at least to me.) And he was right. As far as the particular situation, with unlocking the car door... I know there have been times when I've done this (unlocked the door) and times when I haven't. But also, I'm not very good about holding doors for people or just showing those small gestures of consideration for others. I know I can be selfish. But I hadn't even really thought about anything like this that much.

I really do care a lot about other people. I hope that becomes obvious in the genuine interest I try to take in their lives. I love meeting new people. I love making new friends. Heh... and I ask a lot of questions. (Right, Jason?) One of the greatest joys in life to me is a new friendship, especially those that turn into good, close, deep friendships (like the kind of people that can be really honest with me without worrying about offending me). Those are the absolute best. Some of them even become like family they get so close. Somehow I believe it becomes apparent to these people that I care about them. But I'm realizing that I'm probably not always very considerate of them.

Maurice posted a really great entry recently on his blog about "missional church". This really hit home with me. The whole thing is good, but I really like this part:

"We are all missionaries in the context of our social connections, called to love and serve the world. Some people may ask why we do what we do, and though we may share why, even if they don’t, our mission doesn’t change. Evangelism isn’t separated from social action. I’m going to serve because I’m called to serve, not in order to “trick” you into asking about my faith so that I can make my Jesus sales pitch."

Love and serve the world. My mission. Not just because I call myself a Christian and that's what I'm supposed to do, but because, well... I love people. Everyone is valuable. And honestly... my life is great. I'm extraordinarily blessed. When it comes right down to it, I have absolutely nothing to complain about. But there are people out there that do. People that have really hard lives. People that are dealing with a lot of shit. People that are hurting. And I hate that. My life is good. And I have the capacity to listen to people, to care about people, to help people, and to love people. If some small thing I do makes their life better, then I've succeeded in this mission that I've made my own.

Honestly, this has been my mission since before I even started seeing the Christian's mission this way. When I graduated from high school, my mom gave me a book that contained this quote:

"When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life in such a manner that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice."

That spoke to me then, and I knew and have known people that this is true about. Those are probably the people I respect and have learned from most in this world. And my goal in life has been to be like them. To make a difference in the lives of those around me. Heh... maybe this part sounds selfish, but I honestly want a lot of people at my funeral.

So here's where it starts. In the small things, right? Something I hadn't realized I'd neglected. So while I'm sad to realize that I really haven't been showing much general consideration to others, I'm also glad to be made aware of it so that I can hopefully do better. So here's to being the girl that unlocks the car door...

I've been tagged...

(Thanks Sis... :P)

10 years ago I was...
- almost 16 years old
- excited about getting my learner's permit soon
- finishing up my last year of high school
- working at Dairy Queen
- about 50 lbs heavier

5 years ago I was...
- making a lot of new friends
- working full-time at Union Federal Bank
- working part-time at Wal-Mart
- looking for a job in my field
- frustrated about not finding a job in my field

1 year ago I was...
- working at IUPUI
- starting my first semester as a senior at IUPUI
- working on a website for Willowfield Lavender Farm
- working on a website for Indiana Association of School Principals
- too busy to breathe

Yesterday I...
- went to the gym
- went to work
- submitted a big ass database change request
- went home and ate a bowl of Vanilla Almond Special K
- slept... a LOT

5 snacks I enjoy...
- pretzels and peanut butter
- anything chocolate
- cookies
- fresh fruit
- German chocolate cake

5 songs I know all the words to...
- 'The Middle', Jimmy Eat World
- 'Bitch', Meredith Brooks
- 'Pitiful', Blindside
- 'Boulevard of Broken Dreams', Green Day
- The McDonald's Menu Song (anyone else even remember that?)

5 things I would do with 100 million dollars...
- build a building for The Dwelling Place
- buy two houses for myself, one in Indy and one in California (close to a beach)
- go to Europe
- give it to people who need it
- buy stuff for friends

5 places I would run away to...
- Europe
- California
- Australia
- New England
- Chicago

5 things I would never wear...
- a bikini
- Saran Wrap (for some reason I'm thinking of that scene from Fried Green Tomatoes)
- g-string underwear
- really short shorts
- anything see-thru

5 favorite tv shows...
(remember, I no longer really watch TV)
- The X-Files
- The Simpsons
- Futurama
- Smallville
- Alf

5 bad habits...
- over-analyzing
- not returning phone calls
- procrastinating
- being a slacker
- eating junk food

5 biggest joys...
- my dog
- my friends
- my family
- my "family"
- meeting new people

5 fictional characters I would date...
- Fox Mulder
- Lex Luthor (but only from Smallville)
- Batman
- Jack Sparrow
- Clark Kent

5 people I tag to do this...
- Seren P.
- Jason N.
- Shawn P.
- Sally B.
- Ron S.

My life, and my thoughts on everything (almost)

So I'm really not sure if this will be more like an "update" type of blog or a "deep insight" type of blog. I do feel like my readers deserve one or the other, since you've all been putting up with the "song lyrics/poems" type of blog a lot recently. But maybe it will end up being a combination of the two.

Is it bad that, after being a Christian (even though I hate the connotations that usually come with that, I still call myself one) for so long, I still sometimes find myself wondering if it's the right thing or not? I mean, here's the honest-to-goodness truth. I try to be friends with everybody. And I listen to everybody. To me, everyone's thoughts and opinions are valid, and everyone deserves to be heard out. And yet, everyone's thoughts and opinions can also be debated. Do any of us really know what the truth is? Yeah, we think we do... but does anyone really KNOW?

I guess that's my problem. I want to know the truth. And I don't think there's really any way of figuring out for sure exactly what that is. I think that one thing I do believe is this post I made a while back, about how we're all created in the image of God. That's why I see everyone's opinions as being valid, and even valuable. Now, occasionally, I do run into some people who I think are just missing the point, and I tend to not really care as much about their opinion, but overall, I think everyone's got some good thoughts that are worth listening to. So I listen to everyone. Hopefully, that helps other people as well as myself, because I get to hear something new, and they get listened to... validation that someone values their thoughts.

So, in my listening to everyone, sometimes I run into things and people that make me wonder if being a Christian really is the right path to take. I start doubting God and Jesus and all of the beliefs I've held on to. And, well, honestly, enough people that I respect doubt them to make me wonder if they are correct. I think really what it comes down to, why I continue to hold my beliefs, is that there's this part of me, deep inside that just somehow knows that my core beliefs about God and Jesus are true. I can't get away from that. It's a part of me that is just there and will always be there, I think. If I was to "turn away from God", so to speak, I would be haunted by the feeling that I was living a lie. And to me that would be worse than the journey for truth that I find myself on now. So I continue on that journey. And until something strong enough to shake away that feeling that's in there so deep comes along... I'll still say that I'm a Christian. And I'll still adhere to those core beliefs.

Ok, enough of the theology discussion. Here are the updates.

Today started my first day of getting up earlier to go work out every weekday morning. I joined Cardinal Fitness, and I'm meeting a co-worker there every morning at 6:00 am(?!) to do all that fun cardio and weight stuff. I really do think I like Cardinal, though. The atmosphere seems nice there. It's a nice gym, with plenty of cardio equipment and weights. Better stuff than they have at my apartment complex "fitness center", that's for sure. So hopefully this will pan out and I'll lose those 20 pounds or so I've been wanting to lose for the last few years. Now I just need to start eating better...

So, uh, Saturday night I actually had a date. It's been a while since I did that. Well, here and there I've had a few, nothing serious, and some I've even not really been for sure whether or not they WERE dates. (Wow... "even not really been for sure". Yeah, cuz that's good grammar.) Anyway... I do know this was a date, because we both agreed it was. And it was fun... dinner, dancing, walking around Fountain Square, and then going out for coffee. Nothing serious, because I don't think either of us are too sure about that right now. But it was just fun.

My philosophy on dating has gone back and forth so many times, it's crazy. I think I used to base it a lot on what other people thought. I would find someone who I really respected their philosophy on dating and it sounded good to me, so I adopted it for myself. Now I think I'm learning that it really just comes down to winging it. If you're so strict on what you think about dating, and the "right" way to do it, you might miss out on something really good just because it doesn't fit exactly into how you think dating and relationships should go. But I still respect and admire those that have hard-core philosophies on how they want to do it. They're stronger people than me.

Well, I've reached that point in the semester where I turn into a slacker again. It's always been that I start off really good... reading all the chapters, etc. And then I get lazy and busy and just start doing the bare minimum at the last possible minute. Yep, just 15 pieces of flare. I've reached that point again. So tonight I will be winging it trying to figure out how to create a valid XSD for an XML document. And right now I'm not even sure what an XSD document looks like. Oh well, just an excuse to kick those computer geek skills into overdrive, right?

Wow... I just went ALL over the place with this, didn't I? Well, congratulations if you made it this far. You get a gold star.

"Turn, Turn, Turn"

Yeah, I know. You're sick of poems and song lyrics. As well you should be. But I had to post this song. For no other reason other than I sincerely believe it is trying to haunt me, and I'm not sure why.

Turn, Turn, Turn
by The Byrds

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time for every purpose, under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time for every purpose, under heaven

A time to build up,a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time for every purpose, under heaven

A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time for every purpose, under heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time to love, a time to hate
A time for peace, I swear it’s not too late

"I Stand at the Door"

I Stand at the Door
by Sam Shoemaker

I stand by the door.
I neither go to far in, nor stay to far out.
The door is the most important door in the world -
It is the door through which men walk when they find God.
There is no use my going way inside and staying there,
When so many are still outside and they, as much as I,
Crave to know where the door is.
And all that so many ever find
Is only the wall where the door ought to be.
They creep along the wall like blind men,
With outstretched, groping hands,
Feeling for a door, knowing there must be a door,
Yet they never find it.
So I stand by the door.

The most tremendous thing in the world
Is for men to find that door - the door to God.
The most important thing that any man can do
Is to take hold of one of those blind, groping hands
And put it on the latch - the latch that only clicks
And opens to the man's own touch.

Men die outside the door, as starving beggars die
On cold nights in cruel cities in the dead of winter.
Die for want of what is within their grasp.
They live on the other side of it - live because they have not found it.

Nothing else matters compared to helping them find it,
And open it, and walk in, and find Him.
So I stand by the door.

Go in great saints; go all the way in -
Go way down into the cavernous cellars,
And way up into the spacious attics.
It is a vast, roomy house, this house where God is.
Go into the deepest of hidden casements,
Of withdrawal, of silence, of sainthood.
Some must inhabit those inner rooms
And know the depths and heights of God,
And call outside to the rest of us how wonderful it is.
Sometimes I take a deeper look in.
Sometimes venture in a little farther,
But my place seems closer to the opening.
So I stand by the door.

There is another reason why I stand there.
Some people get part way in and become afraid
Lest God and the zeal of His house devour them;
For God is so very great and asks all of us.
And these people feel a cosmic claustrophobia
And want to get out. 'Let me out!' they cry.
And the people way inside only terrify them more.
Somebody must be by the door to tell them that they are spoiled.
For the old life, they have seen too much:
One taste of God and nothing but God will do any more.
Somebody must be watching for the frightened
Who seek to sneak out just where they came in,
To tell them how much better it is inside.
The people too far in do not see how near these are
To leaving - preoccupied with the wonder of it all.
Somebody must watch for those who have entered the door
But would like to run away. So for them too,
I stand by the door.

I admire the people who go way in.
But I wish they would not forget how it was
Before they got in. Then they would be able to help
The people who have not yet even found the door.
Or the people who want to run away again from God.
You can go in too deeply and stay in too long
And forget the people outside the door.
As for me, I shall take my old accustomed place,
Near enough to God to hear Him and know He is there,
But not so far from men as not to hear them,
And remember they are there too.

Where? Outside the door -
Thousands of them. Millions of them.
But - more important for me -
One of them, two of them, ten of them.
Whose hands I am intended to put on the latch.
So I shall stand by the door and wait
For those who seek it.

'I had rather be a door-keeper
So I stand by the door.

[Yes, Maurice. You beat me to it. Posted it before I even got home, geez. But I got the right version. Well, right or not, it's the version I like better. So :P]

Safe, logical, politically correct, and socially acceptable

I had a really interesting conversation with a friend the other day. (No, not Maurice... although I know it's easy to get confused seeing as how he is commonly referred to as "a friend" on people's blogs.) I've been thinking about some of the things that we talked about ever since.

One thing my friend brought up was how so much of what we do is motivated out of fear. For example, why do we maintain jobs? I'd say a big part of it is fear of what will happen if we don't have the money to pay our bills. Why do I do homework? Fear of not getting good grades in school, or maybe it's fear of not graduating. Why do we lock our doors? Fear of someone getting in that we don't want in. Why do we live in the neighborhoods we live in? For a lot of people, it's fear of the people that live in the other neighborhoods. Guys? Fear of commitment, fear of wrong choices. Girls? Fear of what the guys (and even other girls) think of us. Fear abounds.

Ok, so fear may not be the motivating factor in all of these things. But I venture to say that it is *a* factor in all of them. One that half the time we don't even realize is there. I can't say that I really thought I was afraid of much. But when I examine my life and the choices I make, I realize I have a lot of fears. Not the least of which is not being loved. Doesn't everyone have that fear? Fear that no one will love them? Oh, and don't forget the ever present fear of what other people think of me. Yeah, that one can be pretty paralyzing at times.

Another thing we talked about in this conversation was how much of the time people put on social graces. How often do we not say what's really on our minds or what we're really feeling because we're so used to how we're *supposed* to do things? Lauren had a good example of this, with her blog on how people always ask "how are you?". We're supposed to ask that, supposed to give that illusion that we really care how people are. I think sometimes we honestly just don't really care, but we ask this because, well, it makes it look like we're a good person and that we do. And then sometimes we really do care, and we ask this because it's a quick, easy way to express that. Yeah, we're pretty lazy and selfish sometimes.

We do things like wear a suit to an interview, because we're "supposed to". We don't fart or burp in public, because we're not "supposed to". We ask "how are you?", because we're "supposed to". We talk about the weather, because we're "supposed to". We act like nothing's wrong, because we're "supposed to". Support the illusion, right? Say the politically correct, socially acceptable thing. That's what we're "supposed to" do. Make sure that everyone sees the perfect you, the you that's got it all together. But not the real you. Not the messy you.

Don't live in fear. And be real. That's all I got.

"The World You Love"

I know, I know, it's annoying when people just post song lyrics. But I really like this song and it's hit me just right on more than one occasion. And today, in some abstract way, it just sums up exactly what I'm feeling.

--------------------------------------------

I got a story it's almost finished,
And all I need is someone to tell it to;
Maybe that's you.

Our time is borrowed and spent too freely.
Every minute I have needs to be made up,
But how?
I'm looking for a nice way to say, "I'm out."
I want out.

I fall asleep with my friends around me,
The only place I know I feel safe;
I'm gonna call this home.
The open road is still miles away.
Hey nothing serious,
We still have our fun.
Or we had it once.

But windows open and close,
That's just how it goes.

Don't it feel like sunshine after all?
The world we love forever gone.
We're only just as happy
As everyone else seems to think we are.

I'm in love with the ordinary;
I need a simple space
To rest my head,
and everything gets clear.
well I'm a little ashamed for asking
But just a little helps,
It gets me straight again;
Helps me get over it, over it.

It might seem like a dream
But it's real to me.

Don't it feel like sunshine after all?
The world we love forever gone.
We're only just as happy
As everyone else seems to think we are.

You should see the canals are freezing,
You should see me high.
You should just be here,
Be with me here.
It doesn't seem there's hope for me,
I let you down.
But I won't give in now,
Not for any amount.

Don't it feel like sunshine after all?
The world we love forever gone.
We're only just as happy
As everyone else seems to think we are.

Why I need downtime

So Wednesday night was a good reminder to me of why I try very hard to never take on too much. Or even close to too much. If I'm taking full-time classes, I only work part-time. If I'm working full-time, I only take classes part-time. And in both of those cases, if I'm doing anything full-time along with something else part-time, I don't like to allow myself to make any additional commitments. Some people can do this, and are fine with it. And they even find time for themselves and their friends and sometimes even a social life. That's awesome. More power to them. But it's not for me.

You see, I suck at time management. If I were better at it, maybe I could be like one of those other people. But I'm not. And I realize that and accept it. Sometimes I even try to do better at it. But I usually suck at that too.

So back to tonight. I left work early today to head down to campus to both drop off a work report about my internship to the guy I needed to turn it in to, and to attend an ACM Club meeting, of which I am the vice-president. (Um, yeah... back to what I said earlier about additional commitments? Well, thankfully, ACM doesn't really take up much time at all. And I never said that I DIDN'T allow myself additional commitments... just that I don't like to. Anyway, moving on.) After the meeting was over, I chatted a bit with the other officers and the faculty advisor for the club (who also happens to be the person who basically got me my job). I'm not usually on campus during the week to see or talk to them much, so it was nice to catch up a bit.

After that, I called a couple of friends to see what they were up to, and both ended up being busy. I really didn't feel like going home yet, but I almost did that, for lack of something better to do. I changed my mind, however, and since I had a copy of Brian McLaren's A Generous Orthodoxy with me, I decided to head to the Starbucks by campus and do a bit of reading and people-watching.

I'd forgotten how much I love doing things like this. Hanging out in a public place reading and people-watching has got to be one of my favorite activities. I tend to spend a lot of time with friends, but I also need plenty of "me" time. I think the problem with that comes in the fact that "me" time or not, I'm still a social person and very much enjoy being around people. Hanging out at Starschmucks or Barnes & Noble reading gives me the best of both worlds. AND it gives me coffee. What more could I possibly want?

I think I tend to find the most peace in my life by appreciating and indulging in the simple pleasures it has to offer. Among those pleasures I would include nighttime, coffee/chai, coffee shops, books, random conversations with people I don't know, blustery days/nights, my balcony, and Coldplay. I think these things have contributed a lot towards my peace of mind in the last week or two.

Some people seem to pack so many things into their lives that they must miss out on these kinds of things. They're too busy trying to get everything done. With my time management skills (or lack thereof), I have enough trouble trying to get everything done even when I allow myself plenty of downtime. I know I could push myself harder and get more done. But maybe what's really important is the stuff I AM getting done.

"The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time." --Bertrand Russell

"The City of New Orleans"

Good morning America how are you?
Don't you know me I'm your native son,
I'm the train they call The City of New Orleans,
I'll be gone five hundred miles when the day is done.

The other day I watched a video from CNN.com that showed clips of New
Orleans while this song played in the background. I haven't been able to
get it out of my head ever since.

I'm sure I'm not the only one with this problem. The funny thing is, I don't even watch or pay much attention to the news. I'm sure everyone else has seen the images and video clips of the destruction in New Orleans way more than I have. But see it or not, it has been on my mind.

Everyone and their brother has already blogged about this. Maurice had a good blog entry about it, I know, as did Crystal. I'm not sure what I think I can really add to the conversation.

Maurice (or should I say "a friend"?) and Sally and I got into a discussion about all of this on Sunday night. Heh... in fact, I'm sure the wheels were turning and Maurice was already writing his blog entry in his head, since the conversation started because I'd asked him what he was thinking about.

We started discussing why God would allow something like this to happen. I've heard from some who think it was something to the effect of judgment on the city. This led us to the topics of both the flood (you know, Noah and the ark?) and Sodom and Gomorrah. In both of these instances, God made sure to get the righteous people out before destroying the place. Was that the case with New Orleans?

Going back to God's promise after the flood... (from The Message translation):

"I'll never again curse the ground because of people. I know they have this bent toward evil from an early age, but I'll never again kill off everything living as I've just done."

What exactly does that mean, "curse the ground"? One might think that God's intention in saying this was that he meant that he would never again destroy the whole earth. But he also said he'd never "curse the ground because of people". If this means he'd never cause mass destruction because of people's sin, what about Sodom and Gomorrah? Well, what if that wasn't "cursing the ground" like the flood did? Sodom and Gomorrah burnt TO the ground. So maybe that was different.

Really, I don't claim to know that any of this is the case. Just some thoughts and discussion. But honestly, I do think that we try to answer too many questions when something like this happens. Why did it happen? Why did God LET it happen? I find my answer for that in the passage from Job that Maurice posted:

“Do you presume to tell me what I'm doing wrong? Are you calling me a sinner so you can be a saint? Do you have an arm like my arm? Can you shout in thunder the way I can? Go ahead, show your stuff. Let's see what you're made of, what you can do. Unleash your outrage. Target the arrogant and lay them flat. Target the arrogant and bring them to their knees. Stop the wicked in their tracks--make mincemeat of them! Dig a mass grave and dump them in it--faceless corpses in an unmarked grave. I'll gladly step aside and hand things over to you--you can surely save yourself with no help from me!”

(Just for the record, I reserve the right to post this too, since I was the one that brought up and read this passage from The Message as a part of our discussion... heh.)

Why try to find answers when you know you don't have the complete picture? Is that really what's important? Why can't we just be content with having questions? We know we'll always have questions about something. Why try so hard to figure out the ones that we can't answer?

I've also heard complaints and commentary about the crime going on in New Orleans since the hurricane. Looting, shooting at people, raping, etc. Now before I say anything... my disclaimer: I do NOT think these things are right, obviously. And I do not just discount the fact that they're being done. These things seem crazy to us. But wouldn't you be a little crazy if you'd lost your home, had no way to go anywhere, and didn't know where your family was or even if they were alive? These crimes aren't right, we all know that. But I don't think anyone that's not in the position of these people can claim to know that they wouldn't do something crazy if put in the same situation.

So I guess my thoughts are that I don't know why this happened, and I don't feel much of a need to spend a lot of time trying to figure it out. And instead of looking back and placing blame on anyone, I'd rather just realize that it's a very sad situation all around. Yes, I'm sure there are ways that it could've been prevented. But it wasn't. So isn't it best to look FORWARD instead of back and do what we can to help NOW?

I've been trying to figure out the best way I can do that. I'm not really in a place where I can donate much financially, and since I've never really been in that place, I think I tend to try to look for more "hands-on" ways of helping. I found out about the Katrina Project, so I'm trying to find a way I can help with that through both of the church communities that I'm a part of. I checked out IUPUI's page of hurricane relief efforts, and found out that the Red Cross is looking for volunteers for their National Call Center (NCC) for Hurricane Relief. So I have an email out about that.

And then, through someone else's blog, I discovered that Red Cross was looking for people to "advertise" about hurricane relief efforts on their websites. So here's my contribution to that:

Do what you can.