My birthday present to myself

I was flipping through the last chapter of John Fischer's Waking the Dead to find a good quote to include here that would illustrate my point in this blog, but really, it's just what the whole chapter's about. So I suppose I'll have to be content with just saying, "read the book". It's a good one. It's all about your heart, and the last chapter is about taking time out from the busyness of life to care for it. It's easy to get caught up and not take any time for yourself. But when you don't, are you really being as effective as you could be to the other needs and people in your life? Are you even being effective for yourself?

You know, I guess this post could also be likened to my post about why I need downtime. Maybe I'm different from other people. Maybe it's just because I'm so independent. Or, maybe it's my truly spiritual side. Honestly, I need time to feel God. From The Message, Jeremiah 29:

"When you come looking for me, you'll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed."

In my own life, I generally find this to be very true. When I take time out to really search for God, to have a spiritual experience with him... he meets me there. This week has been evidence of that for me. I've been sorting through some things in my life lately... what I think about my faith, what I think about some of my relationships with people. I was truly in need of some downtime - some "me" time and some "God" time.

I'll be honest. One of the things that I still sometimes question is the very existence of God. The statement made by the father of a child that Jesus healed has become my own prayer lately - "Lord, I believe. Help thou mine unbelief."

So this week I set out to find some answers. I took both an afternoon as well as an entire day to sort through these things in my head. And God took me where he knew I would find him. I'm not sure how I ended up planning these things, but I did. The ideas just got themselves into my head, and well... they worked out perfectly, which I honestly should've expected. (See passage from Jeremiah above.) Tuesday afternoon I left work early and headed to what I've decided is now my very favorite location in Indy. If you go downtown and park at the White River State Park, and walk across the bridge to the west bank of the river, there are some picnic tables where you can sit and look over the river to see the city skyline. [I'd share the pictures I took, but they're currently on my computer at work.] And here, I found what I needed. A beautiful day, a beautiful view - and peace for my chaotic soul. Peace that I believe could've come from nowhere else other than the confirming presence of a caring God. Who continued to make his presence known in my evening, via a talk with a friend who called me out of the blue. He needed someone to talk to, and we hadn't seen each other in a while, so we met up for dinner. We had a good conversation - much-needed by each of us, I believe.

And then that brings me to today, which I took off from work. I decided to take a trip to Brown County. [This time I do have pictures!] By myself, which surprised some people. Maybe I'm a bit odd, but I think that if more people took these little trips and downtime by themselves, they'd understand why I relish these times the way I do. If you know me, you know that I'm not a loner. Not by any means. I'm actually a pretty social person (well, except maybe in groups of people I don't know very well sometimes). But I think it's important to be comfortable being both with people, and by yourself. Everyone should have times of both in their life.

So today. It was perfect. And I'm considering it my birthday present to myself. It was exactly what I needed. I can't describe it any better than that. I went looking, and I wasn't disappointed.

Yay fall!

[I figured after my last downer of a post, a more upbeat one would be nice. This post inspired by Shawn.]

I absolutely love fall. It is by far my favorite season. I always find myself a bit happier when it comes around. I really just love the atmosphere of it. There's just something about fall. I mean, no other season has all of this -

- Halloween, which I love so much I've started having annual parties to celebrate
- color-changing fall leaves - makes the drive to my parents' house so much more enjoyable
- pumpkin and apple food - Pumpkin Pie Blizzards from DQ, Pumpkin Spice Lattes from Starschmucks, and caramel apples are among my favorites
- colder temperatures - blustery days absolutely rock!
- hoodies, sweaters, and cords (thanks to the colder temperatures)
- Thanksgiving - time spent with family relaxing and eating too much food instead of working
- bonfires - there is a certain joy in sitting outside on a cold night, keeping warm around a big fire, roasting hot dogs and marshmallows
- hot drinks - with the colder temperatures, they serve a purpose and taste even better. Hot chocolate, coffee, chai, apple cider... mmm.
- fun excursions - hayrides, haunted houses, and fall festivals. Oh yeah.
- my birthday - couldn't fall during a more perfect time of the year. October 17. Buy me presents!

I'm glad the weather got cooler. Fall is finally here. Bring it on!

Selfish tears

I've been trying to write this blog entry in my head for the past two days, but everything I keep coming up with ends up seeming to me to have no real purpose or point to it.

Sometimes I really don't understand myself. At least not how I deal with things. It doesn't make much sense to me. And I still end up surprising myself.

I'm surprised by what I feel for people. And then also, what I don't feel for people. Here's an example: I don't cry. Ok, well, I guess I do. But my tears are almost always very selfish, like when I don't get what I want. And I always cry alone, never in front of anyone. If you see me cry, you know that at that moment, I really have a lack of control, because I just don't cry in front of others.

I don't cry at movies, I don't cry at funerals, in general... I just don't cry for other people or in front of other people. See, selfish tears.

And I think I have somehow unintentionally separated myself from my family. Now, a lot of you are like family to me, but I'm talking my flesh and blood family. It seems weird to me that I've somehow done this, because I'm really big on family. Friends come and go, but no matter what you do, you can never completely disconnect that blood relationship. You'll always be related. I'm big on family, I know, but I'm rarely with any. I was reminded of my feelings about family when I went to visit my aunt, uncle, and cousins and their families in March in Phoenix. One night while there, we were pretty much all together, because my aunt, uncle, cousins, and their significant others were getting ready to go to some kind of function, and me and the friend I was traveling with were staying there with my cousin's kids (two teenagers). I remember getting this feeling of how nice it was to be there with all these people who were family. I don't see them often, and we're really not that close, but there's a bond there. We've been together through holidays, weddings, and funerals. We share relatives. They've known me since before I was born. And no matter how often I don't see them, that will never change. And I loved being there with all of them, seeing them be crazy and hectic (and my family is definitely crazy and hectic) while getting ready for this function. It was great.

Yet somehow I've managed to separate myself from my family. My immediate family in particular. And they're the ones I still see pretty often, and the ones I'm closest too. Closest, yet separated. Or maybe I'm unfeeling. Or maybe it's a coping mechanism (somehow that phrase has come up in my life more than once in the past week... it's kind of strange). My immediate family has gone through a lot more than most people, even those closest to me, even know about. I think I usually tend to stay calm in emergencies because I've been through so many of them I've gotten used to it. I've been there through my grandparents' car accident, my brother's seizures, my dad's strokes, and my mom's gall bladder attack. I've gotten used to spending time in hospitals. I've gotten used to calling 9-1-1 and seeing an ambulance pull up at my house. This no longer fazes me. And I'm used to seeing that ambulance pull away with someone I love inside of it. But when that happens... I feel nothing. No fear, no sadness, no concern, no tears. I handle it very calmly and matter-of-fact. And that bothers me.

There are times when I've wanted to cry so bad, but I couldn't. I wanted to feel like crying, and I wanted to be emotional, but I didn't, and I wasn't. I do remember one specific time, at my uncle's funeral... I was my usual unfeeling self. And then something happened. Something snapped inside of me. The tears flowed... hard. For once I had to be consoled, instead of being the consoler. But usually, I'm just the one with dry eyes.

Does this mean I'm strong? I don't feel strong. I feel like someone who just doesn't feel what they should when they should. I feel like someone who would like to care, but doesn't. I'm almost afraid of how I would react if something tragic happened to me, because I really don't know. My emotions and what I feel when is a complete nonsensical mystery to me.

This week surprised me. I felt myself be affected by something. And it wasn't something I would've expected to affect me as much as it did. Nothing directly happened to me or my immediate blood family. But people that I love are hurting. And I feel myself hurting with them. Hurting because I love them, and know that they hurt, and know that I'm powerless to take that hurt away. The "best" that I've felt about it is when I'm with them, hugging them and telling them that I love them. I find myself wishing that I could do this continuously, as if to somehow reduce the pain. But it's not possible.

I haven't cried this week. The tears just haven't come, as usual. But if they happen to, at least I know this time they won't be so selfish.

I cannot be everything to everyone

So I guess I'm picking up where I left off with the last blog entry... love and serve the world. What does that mean? This past weekend started off with me in a funk. And I'm not even sure entirely why. I do know that part of what I was feeling had to do with the people around me. An example would be of how I felt like I'd been letting my "dad" down a lot recently. Didn't go to USOM (United States of Mind - open mic poetry) with him last week, almost slept through the movie I was supposed to go see with him Friday night... etc, etc. That's just one example. I can think of at least a few other instances in my life lately where I've had a hard time just figuring out the best way to love and serve others, let alone actually doing it.

Well, unfortunately for her, my "sister" happened to start up an IM conversation with me while I was in this funk. I had a hard time explaining to her what was wrong, but she (being the extremely wise little sis that she is) said some things that struck a few chords with me. One of those things was that I seem to beat myself up for "trying to be everything to everyone". That phrase, right there... "trying to be everything to everyone"... helped me understand more about myself lately. See, I think I've gotten confused. I think I've confused "loving and serving the world" with "trying to be everything to everyone". I try to be a good daughter, a good friend, a good student, a good co-worker... and so on. In fact, I think I try more than to just be good at those things. I think there's even a part of me that tries to be the *perfect* daughter, friend, student, and co-worker. Can you say "obviously setting yourself up for failure"?

Last night we read something that expounded on this a bit for me. In fact, the whole conversation at our church gathering last night was helpful. I'm not so sure it's anything that I haven't really heard before, but it was a much-needed reminder, by far. Here's what we read:

It helps, now and then, to step back and take a long view.
The kingdom is not only beyond our efforts, it is even beyond our vision.We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction of the magnificent enterprise that is God’s work.
Nothing we do is complete, which is a way of saying that the kingdom always lies beyond us.
No statement says all that could be said.
No prayer fully expresses our faith.
No confession brings perfection.
No pastoral visit brings wholeness.
No program accomplishes the church’s mission.
No set of goals and objectives includes everything.
This is what we are about.
We plant the seeds that one day will grow.
We water seeds already planted, knowing that they hold future promise.
We lay foundations that will need further development.
We provide yeast that produces far beyond our capabilities.
We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that. This enables us to do something, and to do it very well. It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning, a step along the way, and opportunity for the Lord’s grace to enter and do the rest.
We may never see the end results, but that is the difference between the master builder and the worker.
We are workers, not master builders; ministers, not messiahs.
We are prophets of a future not our own.

We also practiced a discipline last night, one that I think I might pick up on my own as well... just sitting in silence. We really rarely allow much silence into our lives, instead always filling it up with busyness and talking. For me, the silence brought to mind thoughts of what it really means to love and serve the world, since lately I instead seem to be getting this confused with being everything to everyone. Now, I didn't get to expound on it much in just the five minutes of silence we practiced, as I believe that love alone embodies so much that it can probably never be completely expounded on or defined. But where does it begin, even? What's a good first step? What does it mean to love someone?

Now, just to clarify, I'm not really talking about the concept of being "in love". I do think that being in love includes loving that person, and that sometimes loving someone can lead to falling in love with them. But that's not really what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the mission of loving and serving the world, and what the "love" part of that means.

So after giving it some thought, I came to this conclusion. The first step in loving someone is letting them be who they are. Sounds simple, right? Well, I don't think we're all that good at it. At least I'm not. I think too often we expect people to be just like us. To think like us, talk like us, act like us, and on and on. I think when we stop expecting people to be like us, and begin to let them be who they are, that's the first step to truly loving them. We listen to them, appreciate their quirks, and see the value they bring to the world. I think there's a reason that a lot of times you hear the words "love" and "acceptance" used together.

And it's not about being everything to everybody, either. There's a flipside to this concept as well. If we're to "love our neighbor as ourself", then shouldn't we love ourselves first? And doesn't that mean applying that very same principle to ourselves? Just as I need to love people by letting them be who they are, I need to love myself by letting me be who I am. I need to stop expecting me to be like someone else, and appreciate myself for who I am. I need to appreciate my quirks and see the value that *I* bring to the world. Sound familiar?

I think there's something to be said about this "worker vs master builder" concept. The worker doesn't try to do all the work himself, because he knows that's not his job. He knows that he has a job, but that so do all the other workers. He also knows it's not his responsibility to make sure that the end result gets completed. That's the job of the master builder. The master builder even fills in the gaps that the worker missed, as well as fixes the worker's mistakes. And in the end, who gets the credit for the end result? The master builder. As well it should be, because he is indeed the master of his craft.

Lord, let me be a better worker... and leave the role of master builder up to you.