Dating

Ok, I confess. Yes, I have started dating someone. Funny how you make some small mention of having a love life in a blog post about more important things and some people seem to pounce on that, completely ignoring everything else in the post. What are you people, just in it for the gossip?? ;)

I've really not dated much in my life. I'm not very good at it. But I think I'm realizing some things. Given the fact that everyone is different, no one is really going to be any good at dating. Because with each different person that you might start dating, it's going to be different - because they're different. So I guess I'm not alone.

There's definitely no formula, no mindset, no anything that's really going to prepare you for dating someone new. So if you're trying to come up with thoughts in your head of what you think a relationship should look like - you're probably going to be sorely disappointed, because when you have one, it's very likely not going to look anything like that. So if you're not in a relationship right now - my advice would be to enjoy being single, stop thinking about dating or marriage because there's no point in it. It's not going to be how you thought, and you're never really going to be prepared for it. So quit wasting your time. Use it for something useful instead - make the most of your "single" time. As singles, we have a lot of free time that will dissipate once we get married and have kids. So I'd say it's best to make good use of it now while we can.

Something else I've realized about dating... when you're single and on your own, you are only presenting yourself to other people. And it's much easier to be comfortable with that, since you have control over what you say and do and what you're like, basically. But once you start dating someone - it's kind of like you're putting your stamp of approval on them. You're saying, "hey, this is someone that I think is great enough that I'm presenting them *with* me". And THAT is a tough thing to do. Especially because you can't control what they're going to say or do or be like. And especially when you've not dated too much and aren't used to having to do it.

The thing is, though - that's a good lesson. No, you can't control this person that you're with. And you're never going to be able to. And they're never going to always do what you want, or always say what you want, or always be exactly the way you want them to be. That's not what love is about anyway. The quote I have in my email signature is a good comment on this:

"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them." (Thomas Merton)

You have to definitely decide that you really like a person before it becomes easier to present them as someone you're dating, someone with your "stamp of approval". And it's tricky, because you have to not really care so much what other people think of them. Because ultimately, that's not as important as whether you love them or not. And if it goes well, no one will ever really know the person that you know anyway, they won't get to know them the same way. On the flipside, however, don't discount your friends. They know you and (generally) want what's best for you. And they will let you know if they disapprove of your choice. If they do - listen to their reasons. They just might be valid.

So yeah - I'm learning a lot right now. We'll see how it goes...

In the meantime, if you're looking for more unsolicited advice about dating, check out Maurice's recent series of "Friday Night Date Place" blogs:

Friday Night Date Place
Why Date?
Are You Ready to Date?
A Realistic View of Marriage
Defining Dating

They're enough to get you thinking, if nothing else. ;)