For all the screw-ups that I love...
Wow. I'm realizing a lot about people lately. And just how little a lot of people think of themselves. Here's a news flash - saying "I'm a screw up" really does absolutely nothing to help you. It doesn't take away the pain you caused, and it doesn't keep you from screwing up again - in fact, it perpetuates it.
It's amazing to me how much people hide behind themselves, too. It's hard to believe right now that you can ever really know anyone. People that I thought I knew aren't the people that I thought I knew at all. Actually - that's not true. I still believe they're the people I thought I knew - unfortunately, the good things about them that I saw they don't seem to see themselves. Or if they do - they see the bad things way more easily. And so they live from that part of themselves, instead of living from the good parts that are there.
In my eyes - everyone (yes, EVERYONE - including you) is a gift to this world. And everyone also screws up at some time or another. Everyone hurts people they care about. What really matters is what you do with that when you do. Do you just accept that about yourself - "yeah, I screwed up. I hurt people I care about, just like I always do. I'm a bad person, and I'm always going to be that way"? Or - do you get defensive about it and lash out at others and make it about them when you know that you're the one that screwed up? Do you say "I screwed up - but you're being too hard on me because you have or would've screwed up too"?
None of those approaches is going to help anyone. Least of all you. You know what the best thing you can do is? Own your mistakes. Take responsibility for them. If you screwed up, you screwed up. You hurt someone you loved - you caused a lot of pain. And you're the one that made the choice to do that - no one else. This isn't about anyone else. It's about you and what you did, so don't try to pull anyone else into it or attack them. So own up to it. Take the beatings that you feel like you're getting from it... whether you feel like you deserve them or not, those beatings are caused by YOUR actions.
And then - move forward. Remember what you did, remember the pain that you caused - but learn from it. You screwed up - you made a mistake. But don't let your mistake define you. Don't let your past dictate your future. You screwed up - doesn't mean you're JUST a screw-up. But if you keep saying that's all you are - well, yeah, you will be. You'll even keep going out to find evidence that you are. And you'll perpetuate a cycle that won't stop until you stop it: you screw up, you tell yourself you're a screw-up, you go out and create more evidence that you are, you screw up again... never ending - until you end it. Just don't tell me that you can't - because that's crap. Everyone has a choice in every new moment. You can stop anytime you want. Or if you choose, you can do the easy thing and keep letting your past dictate who you are and keep being a screw-up. Just don't come whining to me when you feel like people have given up on you - because if you do that, the truth is not that people have given up on you - you've just given up on yourself.
I don't know everyone in the world - but I know that my friends are all better than that. I just hope they start to realize that about themselves.
8 Comments:
Yup.
Okay, and here's my question.
What do you have for the person who WANTS to not screw up, who wishes over everything that they could do better... and never seems to be able to do it? People choose to do bad things, but sometimes it's like hanging over the side of a cliff by a minute thread with no other way to get back over having your arms burn and dirt and salt falling into your face, and choosing to let go.
That's why people get hopeless. Because they want better... they're not stupid, everyone WANTS better, and some of us seem to be incapable of achieving it, no matter how hard we try. And no offense, but you talk about it like it's easy.
Simple. Not easy. It's all about what you truly value. Obviously there's something people are getting out of continuing to say they're a screw-up - that's the easy thing for them. As long as they keep screwing up, they can just keep doing what they're doing and being one. When they change that and say they're not - they have to give up things they've become comfortable with.
It is simple - if you're willing to get out of your comfort zone.
i'm reminded of what shane was talking about at the dwelling place. how many of us believe the "i am not"/"i can be if" lie:
i am not loved. i am not worthy. i am not beautiful. i can be if i have the right guy. get in the right relationship.
sometimes it's about finding new ways to define yourself and developing new ways to get there (especially if your old ways aren't working)
remember break glass in case of emergency
Good thoughts. Right on. Thanks Sheryl.
I guess my big issue with the whole thing is with the idea that "if you'd just stop thinking of yourself as a screw up, you'll quit screwing up." Truth is, some people call themselves a screw up because they just screwed up... at the moment, that's what they are. They dust off, pick up, and walk on... knowing that just like every human being, it's possible they'll screw up again. the moment you start thinking, "I'm not a screw up, I'm a good person. I'M capable of better than this. I'M going to succeed in beating this beast.:" it's all about you.
Maybe the fact of the matter isn't that we call ourselves screw ups. Maybe the fact is, really, that we're ALL screw ups, and some of us think we're WORSE screw ups because we screw up in different ways, and some of us think we're NOT screw ups because we DON'T screw up in those ways.
God redeems screw ups. Maybe the truth is that, that's just all of us. And maybe the reality is that we can't change people, and they can't really change themselves either, Sheryl. Maybe God's the only one who can really change any of us. No one can save us from ourselves... not even ourselves. If we could, what did He die on a cross for, anyway?
So I'll probably screw up again, you'll probably screw up again, Jon, Lauren, Maurice, Sally, Malcom, Reese, Ro, everyone else... who's to say who the next "royal screw up" will be, but with tomorrow morning, all of us are apt to do something. And we can try our best... but it won't stop us from being human and weak and falliable.
It's not an excuse to not try... but it's a good support for the fact that none of us should trust ourselves any further than we could throw a circus elephant. And it's also a fact that when we each screw up, we're going to have to forgive each other. Believe me... I've had a thousand lectures, and I agreed with and listened to them all. And not a one of them has ever saved me from my sins and myself.
Only Grace can do that.
I was reading along Crystal's comment feeling good that my name wasn't mentioned in the list of future-potential-screw-ups, but then she put "everyone else." Darnit. :-]
Interesting blog post and good sentiments, though I like the balance Crystal's comment brought to it, too.
The other thing I’m reminded of is Nathan and David. When Nathan confronted David on his sin with Bathsheba, what we don’t read about is how bad Nathan felt. Here’s what we do read about: how a sin just between two people had a wide range of consequences. It impacted their friendships. Their familial relationships. The nation as a whole.
We read of David realizing his sin and whom he truly sinned against. (We know this because we can still read the Psalms where he blogged about it).
What we don’t read is David holding his court responsible for allowing him to fall into sin. What we don’t read is David getting on Nathan for being judgmental and self-righteous. Or telling Nathan how he should feel. Or not to be mad at him because he could have fallen into the same thing. Or David casting blame on anyone but himself.
Back to what we saw, Nathan getting out of David’s way to let him wrestle with what he’d done. David backing off, retreating to be by himself to work through those things. David taking the time to confess before the Lord. David taking the time to try and heal relationships, knowing that these things weren’t going to be healed overnight and that people would be both disappointed, hurt, and mad at him for a while. That is all part of the process. The key word being process. The process can’t be rushed. Steps can’t be skipped. Time is needed for folks to process and heal. Time and space.
David was responsible for his sin. Nathan was fully aware that we are all broken vessels and that he is fully capable of falling into sin. He was probably aware of the color of the sky, too, but none of that was germaine to what David was going through. It was part of a greater, later discussion.
It’s probably a good thing David didn’t have Internet access.
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