The Diagnosis

Well, for those that might be interested in the saga of "what the hell is wrong with Sheryl and why does she keep getting sick", we may have an answer. I made another visit to my doctor today - well, actually one of her nurse practitioners. After explaining my sordid story to her, she checked my lab results from my first visit to the doctor in February. Turns out I was not positive for strep, but was positive for something called "staphylococcus aureus". Basically - a staph infection.

And apparently, "staph" is quite resistant to most forms of penicillin, including Augmentin, the one I've been on twice now. In fact, that link to Wikipedia that I put on the word staph above is to the specific form of staph that I have. The article calls it a "superbug" (one of the major ones) due to its resistance to antibiotics.

What this means is that it's quite possible that the Augmentin I've been taking has been doing really no good whatsoever, and that the reason I keep "getting well" after a few days is just my immune system kicking in naturally. And then - something small, such as missing some sleep, might happen to break down my immune system again - and guess what? I wind up with a horrific sore throat and fever of 102 yet again.

So what's the solution? More powerful drugs! (That thankfully come in a smaller size pill that will hopefully prevent choking hazard this time...) I've been put on something called Cipro. One of the things that Cipro has been used for is to attempt to treat people that have possibly been exposed to anthrax. Uh, yeah. 1000 mg a day of powerful bacteria-fighting artillery. Fun stuff. But my doctor is hoping to stop this craziness once and for all. Heh - yeah, me too. I seriously feel like my body has been through the wringer these past two months.

Go away, superbug, go away...

Sick again??

This completely and absolutely sucks. I seriously want to cry. I am so damn sick of being sick! What the hell is wrong with me? The beginning of February I got what was suspected to be strep throat by the doctor, but didn't come up as strep on the rapid swab test they do in the doctor's office. So they sent another sample away to a lab, and I never got the results to that test to confirm it was actually strep. But because they were pretty sure it was, they prescribed me an antibiotic accordingly.

A few weeks later, I got sick with what seemed like the exact same thing again. I can't describe to you how miserable it is to have it, whether it was strep or something else. You can barely swallow - it's an effort, and an excruciatingly painful one at that. Both times I was sick with it I lost like 3-5 pounds because I wasn't eating. I just couldn't. It hurt so much to even drink a milkshake. I called the doctor's office and got a prescription for the same antibiotic I was on the first time. The pills are so huge that the second time I got the prescription for them, I had a lot of trouble swallowing them whole and even some trouble swallowing them cut in half. I had to get another prescription for 4 more pills to replace ones that I had to throw away because they got stuck in my throat and I just about choked on them. That's how big my tonsils were.

Both times I was sick I missed 2 days of work, totaling up to 4 missed days. I just started my job in January, and we accumulate sick days. I didn't even have a whole day accumulated when all of this started. So now I've had to take 4 sick days, only 1 of which I've actually accumulated. I'm basically in the hole by 3 days.

And now - I'm sick again. With what I suspect may very possibly be the same damn thing that I've had twice and just gotten over like a week or two ago. Last Wednesday, I started getting a scratchy throat. I started praying that it wasn't strep or whatever again, and I started taking stuff (Airborne, Tylenol Sore Throat, etc.) to try to prevent it from getting any worse. And at first I thought it was working - I wasn't getting any worse. But now, it's Sunday - and my throat is practically killing me yet again.

Maybe I'm just being whiny and playing the victim, but I seriously want to cry. I feel like I'm in this hole that I keep climbing out of (painfully at that) only to keep getting thrown back in again. What's wrong with me? I'm starting to suspect that I may very well have to have a tonsillectomy. Which means for one - surgery that I don't want to have, and am slightly afraid of having. I've never really had surgery before unless you count getting my wisdom teeth removed. And if that's the case, it also means more days of missed work. I'm already worried that I'll have to miss work. I'm so tired of telling them that I'm sick that I'm afraid they're not going to believe me or that there will be some kind of problem since I don't have any of these sick days I'm taking accumulated yet.

*sigh* I feel really frustrated right now. Life doesn't usually get me down quite like this, but I feel like crap, and I'm scared, and really just very frustrated with being sick so much. I'm trying not to let it get me down, but... well, life's a bitch. :(

What's new (well, kinda)

Convenience vs Diversity

I live in the 18th fastest-growing county in the nation. What does that mean? Well, for one--it means a heck of a lot of traffic sometimes. Which honestly, only really bothers me on occasion. But really, I'm just not much of a suburban girl.

I live in Hamilton County because I work here. That's pretty much the only reason. My lease on the west side was up and there was an opportunity to save money and move 5 minutes away from where I work, so I took it. Now I live in a house in an addition where 90% of the houses all have the same floor plan as ours. I miss originality.

What is it about Indianapolis that causes people to want to move out of it? It can't be traffic--in my experience, the traffic is much worse in the suburbs than almost anywhere in the city. But yet the current trend seems to be to move just within reach of the city without living IN it. And businesses are encouraging this trend by building up around these suburbs. It's not really necessary to go into the city for much of anything anymore.

I think more people are moving to the suburbs because of the safety and convenience that they perceive. Move to Carmel, or Fishers, or Avon, into a house in an addition with a bunch of upper middle class families just like yours and you'll feel safer. And why go back to Indy at all? Everything you need is being built up around you, just to cater to you. Perfect, right?

But something's missing--at least for me. I'm a city girl. And I'm not afraid of the city. I miss the diversity of the west side apartment complex that I moved out of. I miss seeing all different kinds of people when I go to the grocery store. I miss living a few minutes from downtown where I can go and walk around amongst a variety of people - people on the Circle, college students at IUPUI, people at Circle Centre in town for a convention, people hanging out at Steak 'N' Shake for a cup of coffee, those milling about at the canal... it's practically never-ending.

And for me--there's a community feel to the city that the suburbs are missing. It's too easy in the suburbs to go to your 8-5 job, come home, flip on the tube, and never interact with your neighbors and those that are living around you. That's possible in the city too, of course, but it just SEEMS harder to retreat to your own perfect little cave and not bump into those around you.

The suburbs really are convenient--the city's close by, you can get out of it what you want. But you don't have to be IN it. But what exactly are we moving into and what exactly are we moving away from? Into a place where it's easier to live life in your own box (that looks just like all the other boxes on your street)? Or out of a place where we're afraid of the diversity around us not being safe enough to live in community with?

Dating

Ok, I confess. Yes, I have started dating someone. Funny how you make some small mention of having a love life in a blog post about more important things and some people seem to pounce on that, completely ignoring everything else in the post. What are you people, just in it for the gossip?? ;)

I've really not dated much in my life. I'm not very good at it. But I think I'm realizing some things. Given the fact that everyone is different, no one is really going to be any good at dating. Because with each different person that you might start dating, it's going to be different - because they're different. So I guess I'm not alone.

There's definitely no formula, no mindset, no anything that's really going to prepare you for dating someone new. So if you're trying to come up with thoughts in your head of what you think a relationship should look like - you're probably going to be sorely disappointed, because when you have one, it's very likely not going to look anything like that. So if you're not in a relationship right now - my advice would be to enjoy being single, stop thinking about dating or marriage because there's no point in it. It's not going to be how you thought, and you're never really going to be prepared for it. So quit wasting your time. Use it for something useful instead - make the most of your "single" time. As singles, we have a lot of free time that will dissipate once we get married and have kids. So I'd say it's best to make good use of it now while we can.

Something else I've realized about dating... when you're single and on your own, you are only presenting yourself to other people. And it's much easier to be comfortable with that, since you have control over what you say and do and what you're like, basically. But once you start dating someone - it's kind of like you're putting your stamp of approval on them. You're saying, "hey, this is someone that I think is great enough that I'm presenting them *with* me". And THAT is a tough thing to do. Especially because you can't control what they're going to say or do or be like. And especially when you've not dated too much and aren't used to having to do it.

The thing is, though - that's a good lesson. No, you can't control this person that you're with. And you're never going to be able to. And they're never going to always do what you want, or always say what you want, or always be exactly the way you want them to be. That's not what love is about anyway. The quote I have in my email signature is a good comment on this:

"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them." (Thomas Merton)

You have to definitely decide that you really like a person before it becomes easier to present them as someone you're dating, someone with your "stamp of approval". And it's tricky, because you have to not really care so much what other people think of them. Because ultimately, that's not as important as whether you love them or not. And if it goes well, no one will ever really know the person that you know anyway, they won't get to know them the same way. On the flipside, however, don't discount your friends. They know you and (generally) want what's best for you. And they will let you know if they disapprove of your choice. If they do - listen to their reasons. They just might be valid.

So yeah - I'm learning a lot right now. We'll see how it goes...

In the meantime, if you're looking for more unsolicited advice about dating, check out Maurice's recent series of "Friday Night Date Place" blogs:

Friday Night Date Place
Why Date?
Are You Ready to Date?
A Realistic View of Marriage
Defining Dating

They're enough to get you thinking, if nothing else. ;)