Show up for your life

Well, where do I begin? I have a lot on my mind right now. I just came from a funeral showing - of a 24-year-old friend of mine who died unexpectedly. And it, along with other recent conversations and things I've been involved with and had on my mind, really caused me to think.

We waste so much of our time and energy in this life. We're selfish, slow, and fearful, among many other things. How much of our lives do we spend just going through the motions? We go to work, come home, watch TV, etc, etc. How aware are you - really - of your life? How present are you in it? You're there - but is your whole being really IN what you're doing each moment?

I've been learning some things about myself lately - becoming more aware of both how I'm perceived as well as learning things about myself that I should've known but somehow just didn't see. One thing I learned was that others perceive me as being closed off and unapproachable. I totally should have seen this - but somehow I just didn't realize it. Or actually I did, but I was pretending not to. I'm glad I'm aware of it now, because closed off and unapproachable is really the last thing I want to be.

Another thing I realized about myself is that I never really give 100% of myself. To anything. This kinda brings me back to what I want to talk about with this blog. Look around. All we really have is our lives. We are not assured of anything beyond right now. (I realize that if you believe in God, you probably believe in some kind of hope after this life, but for now we'll just look at what we know we have and not examine possibilities that we have no absolute proof of their existance.) We have SO MANY opportunities and choices in front of us. And yet it really seems that all too often we just become complacent in our mediocre existence. We're fine with just going through the motions and not really "showing up" for our lives.

This is a cliche question, but take a minute to really, honestly think about it. If you knew that you would die tomorrow - what would you do differently today? And I don't mean things like going sky-diving or anything extreme that you've been planning to get done before you die. I mean - what if you knew you were going to die tomorrow, and you had to live your life today the same? Same job, same friends, seeing the same people, etc. Would you say things to people that you'd never said before but wanted to? Would you be a different person? What would it look like to be MORE of yourself? Would you savor things you usually take for granted? I know I probably would. So the question is, why aren't we doing that now? Why are we wasting our days away?

We're holding ourselves back, and it's silly. And in the end, we'll regret it. We'll probably regret not doing things differently after we die anyway - but why end up regretting the fact that you didn't really LIVE? There are so many things I could go on about here... How we hold back parts of ourselves from people for fear that they will abuse that part of us. How we don't say things for fear of what others might think of what we have to say. How we don't do things because we're afraid that things that happened in our past will happen again. How we don't trust people because we've trusted before and been let down, and we're afraid that will happen again. How we expect so much of people that we're not truly authentic with them because we're afraid they'll disappoint us.

We put so much stock in other people's opinions of us, when, if you look at it, our own opinion of ourselves is all that really matters. For example - you're only a victim if you consider yourself one. If you don't consider yourself one, then you're really not. It's all in how you think of yourself and the circumstances that happen in your life. And honestly - everyone else is probably thinking way more about what they think of themselves than you, anyway.

Can you see how we hinder ourselves? I'm sick of it. I'm sick of it for myself, and I'm sick of it for other people. Each of our lives is an individual gift, and all that we know we've been given. So why don't we start showing up for it?


So give me one more shot I'll give it all I've got
Let me open my eyes to a new sunrise I pray
Give me one more chance I'll learn to dance the dance
Well I'm satisfied just being alive give me one more day

(Alabama - Give Me One More Shot)

Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans

Well, life's been pretty busy this month, but it's also been really good. Here's a recap.

- May 3-7 I did Level 1 of something called Beyond Your Best. I've promised not to blog much about it until after I do Level 2 (which is June 14), but what I will say is that it was great. I learned a lot about myself and a lot about life. I've never really been a depressed person or anything like that, but after doing Level 1, life somehow looks a lot brighter than ever before. One good way to sum it up would be a quote from my pastor - "show up for your life". BYB really helps you do that.

- I finally finished the online class I was teaching. Thank God the semester is now over. I really was a horrible teacher. I think my downslide started when I got sick (3 times!) earlier in the semester. It was all downhill from there, and I really just couldn't get caught up. But it's now over, finally. No more grading to worry about! And don't worry, I won't be teaching again anytime soon...

- Last weekend was the bomb. It started with Stacy's bachelorette party, the first time I've ever really been drunk in my life. It was a blast, though. Getting a drunk guy to pay for my tequila shots, dancing my ass off, being hit on by several random hot guys, holding up my friends because they were plastered before I was... doesn't get much better than that. ;) Seriously though, it was a ton of fun and a good way to kick off the weekend - despite the dull headache the next day.

- And then... I GRADUATED! Yeah, I know - I was finished with my degree in December, but commencement wasn't until this month, so I waited until then to have the party. I of course participated in commencement as well. I almost didn't participate in the all-school ceremony, because I didn't really have any family or anything going to see me walk. But Seren talked me into doing it anyway (since I was the one that talked her into doing it in the first place). And I'm glad I did. I actually liked the all-school ceremony better than the post-commencement ceremony for the School of Engineering & Technology. You don't walk across the stage, and they don't call your name, but it felt more official - walking in to Pomp & Circumstance, getting inducted into the alumni association, and the conferring of degrees and such, where they tell you to move your tassel to the other side. I was really glad I participated, too. I realized that when I was sitting there... I mean, I didn't go to college for anyone else but me, honestly. My parents didn't even really want me to go, didn't think I needed to. So for me the ceremony was more about getting an opportunity to feel recognized for my accomplishment. MY accomplishment. Not that I didn't have a lot of moral support through school, of course, because I did - but I'm the one that did it, and I feel a sense of pride in that.

So where does that leave me now? Well, as I've told a few - I'm kind of just resting. Specifically I'm trying to catch up right now from all the chaos (which is still sort of happening - things will really settle down after Stacy's wedding this weekend). But in general, in life, I'm resting too. Honestly - graduating from college and getting a job has kinda been the big goal since I finished high school. The goal, obviously, has sorta been to be able to stand on my own. I think I've gotten there. School's done, I've got the job... what next? Well, rest first. And just enjoy the fact that I've gotten there. And of course - do some soul searching to figure out what I want the next goal to be. I've got a few smaller ones that I'm currently working on. But by no means is this the end. I'm really learning lately that there are a lot of opportunities out there - life is extraordinarily fun. If you make it that way, that is. But only you can do that...

I am unwritten,
Can't read my mind
I'm undefined
I'm just beginning
The pen's in my hand
Ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words
That you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Unwritten - Natasha Bedingfield (my new theme song...)